Insomnia Chatter
The stupid hummingbird is sitting on the nest all the time now, so there must be eggs in it. I call her "stupid," because she must have a tiny bird brain, to build her nest a few feet away from a kids' basketball hoop, with a basketball even sitting right next to the lilac bush.
I mean, I know she doesn't know what basketball is, but didn't she pick up the "active sports playing" vibes somehow? If she didn't, that seems like a big flaw in the evolutionary process.
I check on her every day, sitting perfectly still on her tiny grey nest. Did you know they make them out of cobwebs?
I am not going to indulge in making the too-easy comparison, of our household to a nest held together with cobwebs, but it's so trite but true.
If only I could wake up an hour later -- I haven't been this sleep-deprived since my kids were infants. The problem is, no matter what time I go to bed, I can't fall asleep until 10:00. Then quite frequently, I wake up at 2:00 or 3:00 and can't fall back to sleep, thinking about how the dreaded alarm is going to off at 5:00.
So on a good night I get seven hours of sleep, but on my frequent bad nights, I get much less. By the end of every week, I am so exhausted I am drooling on my keyboard at work. If I could only set my alarm for 6:00.....sigh. That's non-negotiable, as a condition of job right now, so I shouldn't even waste time wishing.
I woke up at 3:00 am last night and couldn't fall back to sleep. I'm really getting tense about Hub's upcoming visit.
I think if one more person says to me today, "You must be so happy about seeing your husband again!" -- my head will explode. I have to just smile and say, "Yeah."
I am trying to be happy, because I know the kids will be so glad to see him --- but I am really worried that the same old subjects will come up, and that I will be unable to keep my resentment from showing.
I am stressing about Hub's visit because when he's not around, I can forget how much I resent it that he's living apart from us for a year because of his job, and also that I have to move back to his country next year -- which I have mixed feelings about.
I like Tokyo, but now I like San Francisco a lot, too. And DAMN, I wish I didn't have to leave it and uproot again.
Anyone remember this post, from October 2005?
I hated Tokyo -- the crowds, the pollution, the prices. But I had a community there. We were active in our neighborhood groups. Our kids used to go out and play at the park, all by themselves, with no parent in tow -- kindly old shopkeepers knew my kids` names, and yelled at them if they saw them doing anything bad. I had friends I could go out drinking with, and complain about my husband, mother and children without worrying about what kind of impression I was making. I had a job I liked, a babysitter/housekeeper who was like a family member, great public schools and public daycare. And two months before we found out we were leaving, we bought an apartment and moved into our very first home. We hadn't even finished unpacking........I am homesick for a city I hated, where I had a life.
Well, now I have a life in San Francisco. It was bound to happen. "Homesick Home" is no longer homesick, and doesn't want to be so again.
I don't want to move back to the city I hated.
I don't want to go back to "the crowds, the pollution, the prices."
I want to stay right here.
But I can't just put my foot down, and refuse to go back to Tokyo -- there's NO WAY I can do that, for two excellent reasons:
1) I probably have a better job waiting for me there, and 2) I have three kids who miss their father and need both of their parents to live on the same side of the Pacific.
So I am going back next year, whether I want to or not. My quality of life will drop, and that's that.
The problem is that simply going back is not good enough for Hub. He wants me to be unequivocally HAPPY to move back to Tokyo, and he takes it personally that I'm not. So it's hard not to argue whenever the subject comes up.
He says things like, "You do want to go back, right?"
And I'm a terrible liar, so I usually don't say anything at all. But he can tell I'm not happy, so then he sulks about it, and mutters something sarcastic like, "Sorry for wrecking your life...."
When I'm not being careful to keep things constructive, I reply with something equally sarcastic like, "You know, you really would have been happier with a Japanese wife. Maybe it's not too late!"
Actually, I haven't said anything like that since last fall. I've been trying hard to be positive. But this moving back-and-forth stuff really can suck. These job transfers are getting old.
I should just try not to think about everything too much -- but that's not so easy at 3:00 am.....
Can I somehow get back to the hummingbird nest metaphor, and the household held together with cobwebs? Eggs hatch...birds fly away....Nah, it doesn't really work, does it?
Wait, how about this?
At least the female hummingbird gets to pick where she makes her nest, and gets to sit on it until she's ready to leave it.
Yeah, that works.
I mean, I know she doesn't know what basketball is, but didn't she pick up the "active sports playing" vibes somehow? If she didn't, that seems like a big flaw in the evolutionary process.
I check on her every day, sitting perfectly still on her tiny grey nest. Did you know they make them out of cobwebs?
I am not going to indulge in making the too-easy comparison, of our household to a nest held together with cobwebs, but it's so trite but true.
If only I could wake up an hour later -- I haven't been this sleep-deprived since my kids were infants. The problem is, no matter what time I go to bed, I can't fall asleep until 10:00. Then quite frequently, I wake up at 2:00 or 3:00 and can't fall back to sleep, thinking about how the dreaded alarm is going to off at 5:00.
So on a good night I get seven hours of sleep, but on my frequent bad nights, I get much less. By the end of every week, I am so exhausted I am drooling on my keyboard at work. If I could only set my alarm for 6:00.....sigh. That's non-negotiable, as a condition of job right now, so I shouldn't even waste time wishing.
I woke up at 3:00 am last night and couldn't fall back to sleep. I'm really getting tense about Hub's upcoming visit.
I think if one more person says to me today, "You must be so happy about seeing your husband again!" -- my head will explode. I have to just smile and say, "Yeah."
I am trying to be happy, because I know the kids will be so glad to see him --- but I am really worried that the same old subjects will come up, and that I will be unable to keep my resentment from showing.
I am stressing about Hub's visit because when he's not around, I can forget how much I resent it that he's living apart from us for a year because of his job, and also that I have to move back to his country next year -- which I have mixed feelings about.
I like Tokyo, but now I like San Francisco a lot, too. And DAMN, I wish I didn't have to leave it and uproot again.
Anyone remember this post, from October 2005?
I hated Tokyo -- the crowds, the pollution, the prices. But I had a community there. We were active in our neighborhood groups. Our kids used to go out and play at the park, all by themselves, with no parent in tow -- kindly old shopkeepers knew my kids` names, and yelled at them if they saw them doing anything bad. I had friends I could go out drinking with, and complain about my husband, mother and children without worrying about what kind of impression I was making. I had a job I liked, a babysitter/housekeeper who was like a family member, great public schools and public daycare. And two months before we found out we were leaving, we bought an apartment and moved into our very first home. We hadn't even finished unpacking........I am homesick for a city I hated, where I had a life.
Well, now I have a life in San Francisco. It was bound to happen. "Homesick Home" is no longer homesick, and doesn't want to be so again.
I don't want to move back to the city I hated.
I don't want to go back to "the crowds, the pollution, the prices."
I want to stay right here.
But I can't just put my foot down, and refuse to go back to Tokyo -- there's NO WAY I can do that, for two excellent reasons:
1) I probably have a better job waiting for me there, and 2) I have three kids who miss their father and need both of their parents to live on the same side of the Pacific.
So I am going back next year, whether I want to or not. My quality of life will drop, and that's that.
The problem is that simply going back is not good enough for Hub. He wants me to be unequivocally HAPPY to move back to Tokyo, and he takes it personally that I'm not. So it's hard not to argue whenever the subject comes up.
He says things like, "You do want to go back, right?"
And I'm a terrible liar, so I usually don't say anything at all. But he can tell I'm not happy, so then he sulks about it, and mutters something sarcastic like, "Sorry for wrecking your life...."
When I'm not being careful to keep things constructive, I reply with something equally sarcastic like, "You know, you really would have been happier with a Japanese wife. Maybe it's not too late!"
Actually, I haven't said anything like that since last fall. I've been trying hard to be positive. But this moving back-and-forth stuff really can suck. These job transfers are getting old.
I should just try not to think about everything too much -- but that's not so easy at 3:00 am.....
Can I somehow get back to the hummingbird nest metaphor, and the household held together with cobwebs? Eggs hatch...birds fly away....Nah, it doesn't really work, does it?
Wait, how about this?
At least the female hummingbird gets to pick where she makes her nest, and gets to sit on it until she's ready to leave it.
Yeah, that works.
posted by L. at 8:31 PM
10 Comments:
Brutal.
I know that feeling a bit about he won't be satisfied if you just make do. But he SHOULD. HE SHOULD. Making do is remarkable. Don't fake the happiness.
We have a useful phrase around here about not taking each others' inventory. Sometimes that helps.
The visit has to be stressful, yes. I can imagine too that coming is nicish.. but he's just going to go away again. Is it worth it for a week? I'd wonder.
TWEET.
oh man, i hear you loud and clear. esp. the part about the japanese wife. *big hug* sometimes i tell yoshi to just stuff it, too. and it really pisses me off when he feels it's a personal affront when i'm not happy. he's NOT responsible for my happiness!! i mean, not totally, not all the time. he does make me happy, but sometimes i miss home and am sad. anyway...i think mo-wo has a great point about him being happy you make do. i myself am very impressed. hang in there. i'm here cheering in your corner.
I think you need to be honest with your feelings with him and yourself. If you are not happy about the move, tell him so.
Why suffer in silence?
Because that is the way?
So, old school. Be honest for yourself, for your children and even for your husband.
Maybe point out that you are very happy that your family will be together again, and that you are looking forward to having a better job in Tokyo? As for Tokyo itself, well, not so much. It's a 2-out-of-3 ain't bad situation...nothing is perfect!
And, no, I don't think your nest is held together by cobwebs.
Maybe hit the library for some books to read or movies to watch when you can't get back to sleep...?
Wow - it stinks knowing that you have so much time in family limbo, and that at the end of it, you'll have the work of a move and fitting back into Tokyo.
What I think will be extra tough is that your husband will have already re-acclimated to life in Tokyo, and the rest of the family will be working on re-entry.
It would be nice if he could acknowledge how hard this is on everyone, but it doesn't sound like it's his nature. But I like the sound of having a good job when you get there. That's great.
Ugh. Moving is so hard. I'm learning that the packing is nothing; it's the rebuilding of a life that's so agonizing.
Since you're moving back, will you have any pre-existing social structure waiting for you, any old friends still around that you can make arrangements to see again right away? Will you be returning to the same neighborhood - and would that be a good thing, or is there another area that would suit better? I don't suppose there's any chance of Hubs being transferred to a less-sucky city in Japan...
I'm so sorry that you're dreading this, both the visit and the move. I've just said a prayer for that the visit would go well... I'm so hoping that it all goes better than you're anticipating!
I wish you peace.
Melatoin is suppose to be a natural sleep aid.
My doctor says the waking up and not being able to go back to sleep is a sign of depression.
Is there any chance hubs might get a job back in San Francisco?
I mean this move back to Toyko, will it be a permanent thing? No more transfers?
It really does suck living in a city you hate. I did it for 6 years and can't imagine having to go back there and live now.
Hang in there!
I've been reading your blog now for awhile and I check on you from time to time because my heart breaks every time I read it. I think you are depressed; I think you are in denial about how much your marriage is hurting you. You and your husband don't seem to be on the same page about anything. This has got to be affecting your kids as much as you. I think you are reaching a crisis point where you and your husband need to heart to heart about your lives together. I am praying for your family.
I have nothing really helpful to say but as a fellow "foreign wife" married to a Japanese and living just outside Tokyo I understand how complicated this whole issue is for you. (totally understand the hatred of Tokyo!!) It is a million shades of grey while most of those around you, who have never dealth with an international marriage, probably see it in black and white, no?
And, you know, if he had married a Japanese woman she would have stayed exactly where she wanted to stay, using the kids as an excuse, and he would have just had to go on these transfers all by himself and come home to visit whenever he could so he should just be happy that you have been willing to follow him around the world in my opinion.
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