It`s great to be here.
For a year and a half, after we moved to San Francisco, I was a stay-at-home mother. As I mentioned in the post below, that ended this week.
I have a part-time job that will hopefully turn into a fulltime job. If it doesn`t -- well, I don't want to think about that right now. I will just keep going in when they say they need me, and hope for the best. Today I`m at home, but will go back in tomorrow.
I had intended to post about great it feels to be back at work, when I stumbled across this post today over at Sweet Juniper, in which Dutch extolls the joys of being a stay-at-home dad.* He does it in a nonjudgemental way, without a trace of, "I love doing this so it must be the right thing for EVERYONE to do," that so often plagues other people`s similar posts. He is clearly happy, and more power to him -- really! -- but (yeah, you knew there would be a "but") I just can`t relate to what he says. My own experience was very different.
(*Dutch also extolls the joys of ruined buildings, to which I absolutely CAN relate, and links to this cool site.)
Now, I`m a firm believer that families should do whatever they feel is in their collective best interest, with no guilt or hand-wringing. That`s why I quit my job (which I liked a lot, and could have continued) when we moved to San Francisco, and didn`t go back for 18 months -- the kids were much better off with me around, to help get them through their rough transition into American life. And as longtime readers of this blog know, I really had to keep a close eye on a particular nun.
But now that the kids are finally settled, and I feel as if I can go back to work -- well, what can I say? I`m happy! The night before I started, I was so excited I couldn`t sleep, like a kid on Christmas Eve. It felt so right, to leave the house for a few hours, to do something I like and I know I`m good at, and earn a paycheck for doing it.
I consider the four-and-half years I spent as a SAHM in Los Angeles to be the most miserable, wasted years of my life. Hub looks at old videos of baby Daughter and toddling Big Son, and says things like, "Don`t you wish we could go back to those days?" And I shudder, and think, NO. Yeah, the babies themselves were great, but I cuddled their little bodies against the bleakest of backdrops.
When Big Son and Daughter were babies, I was at home not really by choice but by default -- after we moved from Tokyo to LA, I got pregnant before I found a job there. In restrospect, I know much of my bad experience was due to untreated post-partum depression, combined with being in a city where I had few friends, no family and trouble feeling connected to any community. But I know that part of it was because I was missing my outside work, too.
Of course, I`m not romanticizing the working world, which certainly has its ugly side. Right after we moved back to Tokyo, I worked for a wire service for five years (another company that shall go nameless, but its parent company also rhymes with "Cow Bones"). The job had its bright moments, and some great co-workers, and the pay was all right -- but the hours were long and the work was often monotonous. I wouldn`t willingly re-live those days, either, even though they coincided with my older kids` precious toddlerhood.
So what`s my point here? I realize that I just can`t write my "It`s so great to be back at work!" post the way I intended, and expect everyone to relate to it, anymore than I can relate to Dutch`s (or, for that matter, to posts written by women who loved being pregnant, and/or loved breastfeeding). While I enjoy reading about other people`s experiences because I want to understand perspectives beyond my own, very often I end up thinking, "Huh. I just don`t feel that way."
Which is fine.
Dutch and a number of other bloggers I admire are also writing for Babble, a new site that bills itself as being for the "new urban parent." I`ve checked it out, but find myself repelled, almost as if a magnetic force is sending me back, clickety click click, to my own parenting world of fast food French fries, Bratz dolls and CartoonNetwork. I don`t fit into this urban parent scene at all -- "hip" is an ample body part of mine, not my attitude. (And don`t even get me started on one of their message board headlines: "Elective C-Section - Evil?" Is that last word really necessary??? Okay, I will shut up now.)
But it occurred to me, I don`t have to like this site. I can continue to enjoy some of the bloggers on their own blogs, and steer clear of their uber-cool collective.
And I can be happy about going back to work, even if not everyone is going to understand why.
I have a part-time job that will hopefully turn into a fulltime job. If it doesn`t -- well, I don't want to think about that right now. I will just keep going in when they say they need me, and hope for the best. Today I`m at home, but will go back in tomorrow.
I had intended to post about great it feels to be back at work, when I stumbled across this post today over at Sweet Juniper, in which Dutch extolls the joys of being a stay-at-home dad.* He does it in a nonjudgemental way, without a trace of, "I love doing this so it must be the right thing for EVERYONE to do," that so often plagues other people`s similar posts. He is clearly happy, and more power to him -- really! -- but (yeah, you knew there would be a "but") I just can`t relate to what he says. My own experience was very different.
(*Dutch also extolls the joys of ruined buildings, to which I absolutely CAN relate, and links to this cool site.)
Now, I`m a firm believer that families should do whatever they feel is in their collective best interest, with no guilt or hand-wringing. That`s why I quit my job (which I liked a lot, and could have continued) when we moved to San Francisco, and didn`t go back for 18 months -- the kids were much better off with me around, to help get them through their rough transition into American life. And as longtime readers of this blog know, I really had to keep a close eye on a particular nun.
But now that the kids are finally settled, and I feel as if I can go back to work -- well, what can I say? I`m happy! The night before I started, I was so excited I couldn`t sleep, like a kid on Christmas Eve. It felt so right, to leave the house for a few hours, to do something I like and I know I`m good at, and earn a paycheck for doing it.
I consider the four-and-half years I spent as a SAHM in Los Angeles to be the most miserable, wasted years of my life. Hub looks at old videos of baby Daughter and toddling Big Son, and says things like, "Don`t you wish we could go back to those days?" And I shudder, and think, NO. Yeah, the babies themselves were great, but I cuddled their little bodies against the bleakest of backdrops.
When Big Son and Daughter were babies, I was at home not really by choice but by default -- after we moved from Tokyo to LA, I got pregnant before I found a job there. In restrospect, I know much of my bad experience was due to untreated post-partum depression, combined with being in a city where I had few friends, no family and trouble feeling connected to any community. But I know that part of it was because I was missing my outside work, too.
Of course, I`m not romanticizing the working world, which certainly has its ugly side. Right after we moved back to Tokyo, I worked for a wire service for five years (another company that shall go nameless, but its parent company also rhymes with "Cow Bones"). The job had its bright moments, and some great co-workers, and the pay was all right -- but the hours were long and the work was often monotonous. I wouldn`t willingly re-live those days, either, even though they coincided with my older kids` precious toddlerhood.
So what`s my point here? I realize that I just can`t write my "It`s so great to be back at work!" post the way I intended, and expect everyone to relate to it, anymore than I can relate to Dutch`s (or, for that matter, to posts written by women who loved being pregnant, and/or loved breastfeeding). While I enjoy reading about other people`s experiences because I want to understand perspectives beyond my own, very often I end up thinking, "Huh. I just don`t feel that way."
Which is fine.
Dutch and a number of other bloggers I admire are also writing for Babble, a new site that bills itself as being for the "new urban parent." I`ve checked it out, but find myself repelled, almost as if a magnetic force is sending me back, clickety click click, to my own parenting world of fast food French fries, Bratz dolls and CartoonNetwork. I don`t fit into this urban parent scene at all -- "hip" is an ample body part of mine, not my attitude. (And don`t even get me started on one of their message board headlines: "Elective C-Section - Evil?" Is that last word really necessary??? Okay, I will shut up now.)
But it occurred to me, I don`t have to like this site. I can continue to enjoy some of the bloggers on their own blogs, and steer clear of their uber-cool collective.
And I can be happy about going back to work, even if not everyone is going to understand why.
posted by L. at 11:23 AM
14 Comments:
Good for you! I agree, not everyone feels the same about staying home or working outside the home. And just because we don't see that eye-to-eye with someone, doesn't mean we can't be friends with them.
I wish I was going back to work. Staying at home with two small children (mine are 1 and 3.5 yrs old) is SO TIRING. I'm exhausted and burnt out. It is very hard to go 24/7, dealing with little people who will throw themselves on the floor because I asked them to hang their jackets or eat their breakfast (feel free to put in various daily scenarios).
It would also be nice to have some income right about now because Hubby just got booted last week.
Congratulations on the job!!!!!
I'm also pretty much at one with my utter lack of hipness and my general ambivalence about stay-at-home parenting - maybe it comes from being an older [set in my ways] parent, who knows? (maybe we all need a group blog for been-there-done-that older moms...;)) There are days when I really enjoy being at home with the baby, but a lot of them are pretty tedious (one can only be so "okay") - and I really, really miss having a paycheck.
We must be soul sisters. Staying at home has never been my cuppa tea. I do it now because I have to, but I also work at home abuot half time, and that is my saving grace. I wish I could work out of an office, but I can't for various reasons. I miss adult conversation. I miss chatting with coworkers. I miss learning to solve new problems and learn new technologies. I feel like my brain is atrophying here at home, even with work. It's not enough for me.
As for Babble, you're so not alone. The buzz from most of the sites I've seen that mentions it is that it's "not for us". I looked once and figured it was "swear more = hip parent". Not for me, either. I think the only people is IS for is the ones already writing for it. It's not long for this world.
First -- way to go on the gig! I hope it works out well for you!
I really savored your post today -- mostly because you had the intellectual distance to say A. I liked something and appreciated it, but B. It's just not my cup of tea. I think many people can't make that leap -- but as you say, it IS fine. Way to go for being curious -- and writing about it in your own cool way.
Good luck at the new job -- I hope you love it!
Great news about the job. Overall I would say that I am feeling a lot better about myself since I went back to work this fall. It's still tough, though.
If only everyone could be as respectful as you are on your blog.
hey, i liked your comments about NFP etc. on the Peony Moss catholic blog a couple of weeks ago. you were very patient. I have no problem with people refusing to limit childbearing, in fact I envy their willingness to do so, but there is nothing abnormal about telling people that one is "done" having children. seems to me the ultimate goal of their discussion was a geometry proof of their moral superiority. I keep searching/hoping for a different tone on those blogs and am so often disappointed.
If ever I forget why I started reading Homesick Home, this post will remind me. I felt exactly the same way reading Dutch's post yesterday. Like, Wow, that's great for him but my head would explode and I'd be on Prozac in two months.
When I was pregnant, I really thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. Then I had Petunia and while on maternity leave found a new, better job. After a few months on the job, I realized that I didn't want to be a SAHM at all - I just hated my old job! Every once in a great blue moon, I will wish that I was home with Petunia, but mostly I know that I'm happier this way and a happy mom=good things for the family.
And I feel exactly the same way about Babble and posted as much in a comment on Sweet Juniper.
this is complicated.
one of my favorite times in my life was law school, because I had so much free time. I barely studied, and that meant aside from class I had all this time to explore. I also ran a successful small business while I was in law school (1-2 hours a day--it paid all my living expenses), but mostly I just loved to walk and think about things. When I graduated from school and went to work for four years, I found that the only thing I didn't have was time to do what I wanted. I was under constant obligation to look like I was working, even if that meant I was actually just staring at the internet. In four years I worked a lot, but I did very little. What I like about having one kid is that I have a part of that old life back. She is easy to wrangle. I can go where I want and get up in the morning and decide to do whatever it is I want to do. It is very liberating to me. Juniper is work, and I do clean the house more than I let on, but by getting out and seeing things I avoid the problems of entertaining her and cleaning.
I understood when writing that, it would rub a lot of people the wrong way. But you know, I see so many posts from stay at home parents complaining about miserable it is that I thought it was time to write a little from a different perspective. maybe I'm in a minority here, but I have been having the time of my life. I think it has a lot to do with my particular personality and my interests and goals (is it my goal to be a SAHP for ten years? No. But neither do I plan to go back to punching a clock to make a bunch of old jerks rich). My greatest goal has always been for people to read what I write, and maybe think it's nice. Somehow through blogging I'm achieving that goal, and who knows where it will lead. I don't write a lot about how happy I am, but when I did this time I didn't expect so many people to be put off by it. I guess depression just lends itself to commiseration much better. Oh well.
As always L, I appreciate the care with which your express your annoyances (like you did with MIM). The internet greatly lacks the kind of civility you exude.
Hey Dutch...just remember..staying at home with one, is WAAAAY different than staying at home with two.
Time becomes very fleeting and getting out and about also gets waaaay more complicated.
Homesick mom, I have a friend who is a parent of one and expecting no. 2. She is an Uber mom. Uses all her teaching experience with her child, does loads of activities, is totally dedicated...but would lose her mind if she wasn't working.
It is no weakness either way.
We all do what works.
I don't know if I could do the SAHM alone. I have my husband around all the time! I also love having the blog and my various projects to keep my brain going.
I am nowhere near an uber mom..or an urban hip parent, despite living one of the most shallowest and 'hippest' cities.
yeah, that's why I don't want to have 2 yet. I always say to my wife: I'm just really enjoying the way things are right now.
I have no illusions that this would be anywhere near as cool with two (or more). I did allude to that in my original post, too.
I find the proliferation of blog-cliques weird. I try to be open minded but more and more often they fall flat with me.. they seem more like impersonal reportage. What I like about blogs are the diary aspects not the camps that might emerge from over affiliations. -- I recognize the good intentions of having a rival to Blogging Baby but still...
CC and I are afraid too that Stroller Derby is going to roll into town and we'll have to make tea since there banner photo is from Vancouver. I mean what would you serve? What is the hip tea this month?
--- So glad to know you are back at work! Great news for you. ---
Of course I can't resist... recognizing my comment coming after the ever insightful lawyer-with-messy-hairdo... yes, I have two children and any modicum of coolness to my parenting is gone now...
When I was younger, I enjoyed working and coming home to the kids. Now of course it's different and I'm content with what I'm doing.
Sometimes though I look at the younger women going off to their jobs with just a wee bit of envy.
I was going to comment yesterday but then, uh, something came up and I can't remember what it was, probably had to do with a kid.
follow your bliss.
That was all I wanted to say.
And still read my blog.
that too!
All parenting requires sacrifice. Like any good parent, you made the sacrifice required for your children's mental and emotional health. Now that this is no longer required, you relish the thought of regaining what was set aside. This is good, healthy parenting.
There is no moral superiority in endless, pointless sacrifice. Nor is there any percentage in trying to say something should or shouldn't be a sacrifice.
Enjoy your new venture! I hope it turns into a full-time job!
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