Breast Is Best, But Choice Is Best of All
For a feminist issue, breastfeeding gets short shrift.
Everyone who reads this blog knows what kind of mother I am. I drank wine and coffee when I was pregnant, and I unapologetically spanked my kids when they were small. I now let them eat at McDonald`s sometimes, I let my Daughter play with Bratz dolls and I let my preteen Big Son watch Adult Swim. All things being equal, I would rather not homeschool my kids, because boy, do I ever like getting them out of the house for much of the day. If you`re doing things differently, and you`re happy with your choices -- great for you! But I`m doing things my way, and if it makes me the trailer trash of the mommy blog world, fine -- I can live with that.
So it should come as no surprise to anyone when I say I hated breastfeeding. I loved cuddling my babies, but I much preferred it when they didn`t have one of my tenderest body parts in their mouths. I still have scars where all three of them bit me with their tiny sharp teeth, and vivid memories of open wounds and horrible infections I will refrain from sharing.
Does that make me anti-breastfeeding? No, it does not -- the potential health benefits are indisputable. I breastfed all three kids, for a variety of reasons (two of them never even tasted formula). I believe every mother has the right to breast feed, anytime, anywhere, and should get all the support she requires.
However, I don`t believe every mother has the responsibility to breast feed, and the latest U.S. government proclamations come dangerously close to stating this.
Yes, I`m talking about what I read in today`s article in the New York Fucking Times, Breast-Feed or Else.
My youngest son was born in Japan, so it`s been a while since I last breastfed a baby in the United States. Back when I did, I thought the pro-lactation attitude was getting a little out of hand, and I am appalled to see how far it`s come since.
"Just like it's risky to smoke during pregnancy, it's risky not to breast-feed after," Suzanne Haynes, senior scientific adviser to the Office on Women's Health in the Department of Health and Human Services is quoted as saying in the Times article. "The whole notion of talking about risk is new in this field, but it's the only field of public health, except perhaps physical activity, where there is never talk about the risk."
So NOT breastfeeding is like smoking? Huh??? How the hell did this woman get her job, if she is apparently unable to define risk?
The Times has more:
A two-year national breast-feeding awareness campaign that culminated this spring ran television announcements showing a pregnant woman clutching her belly as she was thrown off a mechanical bull during ladies' night at a bar and compared the behavior to failing to breast-feed. "You wouldn't take risks before your baby's born," the advertisement says. "Why start after?"
So if you decide not to breastfeed your baby, you`ve made just as bad a choice as riding a mechanical bull while pregnant. Sorry -- that commercial makes me think of a very different bull metaphor.
Where`s the feminist outrage? Does "My body, my choice" stop applying, once the baby is born? Do women really agree that mothers have a moral obligation to breastfeed their babies, no matter what their circumstances, no matter what their lifestyle choices?
Here`s some advice for the Department of Health and Human Services: if you really want to promote breastfeeding in the interest of developing healthier babies, CUT OUT THE GUILT TRIPS.
For one thing, they`re offensive to the women who can`t breastfeed, for health reasons. For another, most mothers already know that breastfeeding has all kinds of potential health benefits over formula. The reasons that many women choose not to breastfeed have nothing to do with health -- they have do with the facts, also mentioned in the Times article, that 60 percent of mothers of young children work, and that federal law requires large companies to provide just 12 weeks' unpaid maternity leave. Anyone who`s ever pumped milk for an infant while doing a demanding, deadline sensitive job knows exactly how hard it can be.
I went back to work in Tokyo when Little Son, my youngest, was 14 weeks old, and I pumped milk twice a day for him until he was a year old, and continued to breastfeed him at night and in the mornings for nearly another year. The logistics of arranging all this were far more exhausting and challenging than any aspect of my actual job.
My little guy was breastfed the longest, but some would say I short-changed Big Son. I deprived him of the benefits of drinking my milk, even though I was a stay-at-home mom at the time, simply because breastfeeding didn`t "feel right" to me anymore, and I had my own selfish ideas about our family planning.
I stopped breastfeeding Big Son at 10 and a half months. He started walking then, and would march over to me, pull up my shirt, yank down my bra, and just help himself. "We`ve got to cut this out," I would say to him. Plus, I was trying to get pregnant again as soon as possible, and exactly one cycle after I weaned him, we conceived Daughter.
When Daughter was 13 months old, she was still feeding on demand, all day long, and I told her doctor I wanted to stop. (We were living in Los Angeles then, and our pediatrician was a member of Dr. Harvey Karp`s practice. )
"But you`re not working!" our doctor said. "The latest studies show that to get the full benefits of breastfeeding, you really should feed her for a full eighteen months."
Can I tell you how much I resented the implication that because I wasn`t working outside the home, I had no excuse to stop breastfeeding?
My excuse was this: with only a six-week hiatus, I had been either pregnant or breastfeeding for three and a half years straight. I wanted my own body back! I was damn tired of being The Udder Lady, and wanted to finally fit back into my old bras. If that made me selfish, fine -- I could live with that.
I was able to shrug off the pro-lacto guilt trip, but I saw other mothers suffer from it.
One of my best friends was unable to breastfeed her oldest son. She had a six-month maternity leave, excellent health insurance, supportive lactation coaches, top-notch dietary information support, and.... a colicky infant who wasn`t gaining enough weight. When she started him on formula, he was happier and healthier, and she felt like a failure.
That`s the ugly downside of the government`s current breastfeeding promotion campaign. Does the government really want to reduce a potentially beneficial public health message into more ammunition for the "Mommy Wars?" It`s difficult to say that breast milk is superior to formula without also implying that mothers who choose formula over breastfeeding are inferior to mothers who don`t. The PSA with the mechanical bull doesn`t even try to make the distinction -- instead of promoting the health benefits of breastfeeding, it demonizes the women who choose not to do it.
Personally, if it was up to me to make a PSA to promote breastfeeding, my slogan would be, "It`s FREE!"
This is what amazed me most about the whole process. I mean, think about it -- suddenly, a valuable commodity was coming directly out of my body!
Whenever I thought about giving up breastfeeding, all I had to do was go to the supermarket and price formula. I would do the math, and realize that I`d had jobs that paid way less than the financial benefits of lactation.
So I would sigh, put the expensive can back on the shelf, and resign myself to the ravages of those tiny teeth.
Everyone who reads this blog knows what kind of mother I am. I drank wine and coffee when I was pregnant, and I unapologetically spanked my kids when they were small. I now let them eat at McDonald`s sometimes, I let my Daughter play with Bratz dolls and I let my preteen Big Son watch Adult Swim. All things being equal, I would rather not homeschool my kids, because boy, do I ever like getting them out of the house for much of the day. If you`re doing things differently, and you`re happy with your choices -- great for you! But I`m doing things my way, and if it makes me the trailer trash of the mommy blog world, fine -- I can live with that.
So it should come as no surprise to anyone when I say I hated breastfeeding. I loved cuddling my babies, but I much preferred it when they didn`t have one of my tenderest body parts in their mouths. I still have scars where all three of them bit me with their tiny sharp teeth, and vivid memories of open wounds and horrible infections I will refrain from sharing.
Does that make me anti-breastfeeding? No, it does not -- the potential health benefits are indisputable. I breastfed all three kids, for a variety of reasons (two of them never even tasted formula). I believe every mother has the right to breast feed, anytime, anywhere, and should get all the support she requires.
However, I don`t believe every mother has the responsibility to breast feed, and the latest U.S. government proclamations come dangerously close to stating this.
Yes, I`m talking about what I read in today`s article in the New York Fucking Times, Breast-Feed or Else.
My youngest son was born in Japan, so it`s been a while since I last breastfed a baby in the United States. Back when I did, I thought the pro-lactation attitude was getting a little out of hand, and I am appalled to see how far it`s come since.
"Just like it's risky to smoke during pregnancy, it's risky not to breast-feed after," Suzanne Haynes, senior scientific adviser to the Office on Women's Health in the Department of Health and Human Services is quoted as saying in the Times article. "The whole notion of talking about risk is new in this field, but it's the only field of public health, except perhaps physical activity, where there is never talk about the risk."
So NOT breastfeeding is like smoking? Huh??? How the hell did this woman get her job, if she is apparently unable to define risk?
The Times has more:
A two-year national breast-feeding awareness campaign that culminated this spring ran television announcements showing a pregnant woman clutching her belly as she was thrown off a mechanical bull during ladies' night at a bar and compared the behavior to failing to breast-feed. "You wouldn't take risks before your baby's born," the advertisement says. "Why start after?"
So if you decide not to breastfeed your baby, you`ve made just as bad a choice as riding a mechanical bull while pregnant. Sorry -- that commercial makes me think of a very different bull metaphor.
Where`s the feminist outrage? Does "My body, my choice" stop applying, once the baby is born? Do women really agree that mothers have a moral obligation to breastfeed their babies, no matter what their circumstances, no matter what their lifestyle choices?
Here`s some advice for the Department of Health and Human Services: if you really want to promote breastfeeding in the interest of developing healthier babies, CUT OUT THE GUILT TRIPS.
For one thing, they`re offensive to the women who can`t breastfeed, for health reasons. For another, most mothers already know that breastfeeding has all kinds of potential health benefits over formula. The reasons that many women choose not to breastfeed have nothing to do with health -- they have do with the facts, also mentioned in the Times article, that 60 percent of mothers of young children work, and that federal law requires large companies to provide just 12 weeks' unpaid maternity leave. Anyone who`s ever pumped milk for an infant while doing a demanding, deadline sensitive job knows exactly how hard it can be.
I went back to work in Tokyo when Little Son, my youngest, was 14 weeks old, and I pumped milk twice a day for him until he was a year old, and continued to breastfeed him at night and in the mornings for nearly another year. The logistics of arranging all this were far more exhausting and challenging than any aspect of my actual job.
My little guy was breastfed the longest, but some would say I short-changed Big Son. I deprived him of the benefits of drinking my milk, even though I was a stay-at-home mom at the time, simply because breastfeeding didn`t "feel right" to me anymore, and I had my own selfish ideas about our family planning.
I stopped breastfeeding Big Son at 10 and a half months. He started walking then, and would march over to me, pull up my shirt, yank down my bra, and just help himself. "We`ve got to cut this out," I would say to him. Plus, I was trying to get pregnant again as soon as possible, and exactly one cycle after I weaned him, we conceived Daughter.
When Daughter was 13 months old, she was still feeding on demand, all day long, and I told her doctor I wanted to stop. (We were living in Los Angeles then, and our pediatrician was a member of Dr. Harvey Karp`s practice. )
"But you`re not working!" our doctor said. "The latest studies show that to get the full benefits of breastfeeding, you really should feed her for a full eighteen months."
Can I tell you how much I resented the implication that because I wasn`t working outside the home, I had no excuse to stop breastfeeding?
My excuse was this: with only a six-week hiatus, I had been either pregnant or breastfeeding for three and a half years straight. I wanted my own body back! I was damn tired of being The Udder Lady, and wanted to finally fit back into my old bras. If that made me selfish, fine -- I could live with that.
I was able to shrug off the pro-lacto guilt trip, but I saw other mothers suffer from it.
One of my best friends was unable to breastfeed her oldest son. She had a six-month maternity leave, excellent health insurance, supportive lactation coaches, top-notch dietary information support, and.... a colicky infant who wasn`t gaining enough weight. When she started him on formula, he was happier and healthier, and she felt like a failure.
That`s the ugly downside of the government`s current breastfeeding promotion campaign. Does the government really want to reduce a potentially beneficial public health message into more ammunition for the "Mommy Wars?" It`s difficult to say that breast milk is superior to formula without also implying that mothers who choose formula over breastfeeding are inferior to mothers who don`t. The PSA with the mechanical bull doesn`t even try to make the distinction -- instead of promoting the health benefits of breastfeeding, it demonizes the women who choose not to do it.
Personally, if it was up to me to make a PSA to promote breastfeeding, my slogan would be, "It`s FREE!"
This is what amazed me most about the whole process. I mean, think about it -- suddenly, a valuable commodity was coming directly out of my body!
Whenever I thought about giving up breastfeeding, all I had to do was go to the supermarket and price formula. I would do the math, and realize that I`d had jobs that paid way less than the financial benefits of lactation.
So I would sigh, put the expensive can back on the shelf, and resign myself to the ravages of those tiny teeth.
posted by L. at 12:35 PM
31 Comments:
Just delurking to say you're the coolest!
A friend of mine recently gave birth to a teeny tiny baby who refused to latch, and when I asked her if she was breastfeeding, she had to look at the floor as she said "No" and stammered excuses. Why should she be made to feel that way? It's not her fault!
I too hate the way that women who can`t/ choose not to BF are made to feel "less worthy". Your talk of wounds and infections is something I am very familiar with and I am still BF-ing my son although I am ready for him to be ready to wean now so that I can go out for a night without worrying about whether he is in need of a feed or not. I was pretty obsessed with BF-ing when my son was first born and I had issues but if I ever have another child, I am pretty sure I will think differently, although as you said, the money saved and the sheer convenience of BF-ing if it is possible will always make it an important consideration!
I love that you posted about this. The whole thing is so out of hand. In the 50's when my mom was born, women who breastfed were looked down upon. My mom was not breastfed and is healthier at 50 than most women her age. She breastfed us, mostly for financial reasons, but I didn't breastfeed my kids. It was a choice I made and I felt good about it then. If we have another baby, which we probably will, I won't do it then either. But I can't stand how much crap women get. It is my body, my choice. But women on the street would verbally attack me.
And people wonder why I have absolutely no intention to breed. I love kids. I'm not childfree, per se. But I'm sick of my body being politicized.
I have and PCOS. Getting pregnant would involve a lot of hormones for me, and might even destroy my health. (I've been told this is rare.) Ultimately though, I might have decided to if it weren't for all the bullshit surrounding pregnancy, breast feeding, and the ilk right now.
And what if I adopt? Am I expected to take pills so I can breastfeed?
oh, great post! i agree, even down to the 'i don't even like breastfeeding.' i feel very lucky that hiro self-weaned at thirteen months. do i feel a little guilty at that relief? yes, i do, but the freedom, blessed freedom! and he's healthy and happy, and who can make a baby breastfeed??
of course i'm going to try again with the next baby; mainly for the reason you stated: it's free! and, it's also so convenient (for me). but...i may find myself after a year thinking of weaning. and that's my choice, is it not! glad to be in japan at the moment...
I get very tired of the whole "my way is better than your way" crap.
It isn't just breastfeeding. I breastfed three of mine (or at least I tried - it wasn't encouraged then) and bottle fed two.
It's co-sleeping or a crib.
It's work or stay at home.
It's t.v. or not t.v.; fast food or all natural and organic.
It's vaccines or not. Fluoride or not.
In fact, it's the whole judgmental, look down their nose at the choices of others.
Enough, already.
Loved hearing your take on this, L. I agree with you. I thought the smoking analogy was a bit much. Reminds me a little of the La Leche gestapo. Man did we have some problems with those guys.
Interesting post L. I find that we are our own worst enemies. Whatever someone is doing is not OK. Not breastfeeding? That's terrible. Not having children? That's terrible. Not having more than one child? That's terrible. Having more than one child? That's terrible.
It's a wonder that anyone talks to anyone else! Don't you think that it's weird that no one ever measures up to other people's expectations?
THANK you for bringing that NY Times article to my attention. I am now fuming at the audacity and arrogance of these people who decide for us what we should and shouldn't do.
I wanted to breastfeed. Really I did. But I hated how I was treated the day after my daughter was born. I had an easy enough delivery but was rushed into surgery 30 minutes after because I was hemorrhaging. I ended up being away from my baby for 9 hours and didn't get to breast feed her until the next day.
Two women walked into my room without introducing themselves. One proceeded to pull my boob out of my gown and the other took my daughter and attempted to get her to latch. I was new at this and was too scared and tired and sore to tell them to get out. The feeding went poorly. They kept on coming in anbd telling me I was doing it wrong.
Five days later I was calling my pediatrician and sobbing because I was pumping at home to see how much I was producing and I wasn't pumping much AT ALL. I had a screaming baby as proof. He suggested I call my OB/GYN. When I called her and told her my dilemna, she said, "Didn't anyone tell you that women who hemorrhage after birth often don't have their milk come in ever?"
I was very bitter that this happened. I later found out that the hospital where I gave birth to my girls (the same hospital that had the male nurse who killed a bunch of the patients in NJ) has a breastfeeding goal of 85%. They are quite aggressive about it.
Sorry--didn't mean to hijack your blog--it's a topic that is very personal for me.
L, THANK YOU for this post! It captured some of my feelings, more articulately than I can manage right now. (And you go, Granny; I also think you nailed how women can't win.)
I think we can present breastfeeding in terms of its potential benefits without trashing moms who can't or won't, for whatever reason. Breastfeeding is often the first wave in the deluge that begins when women have kids and other people become overt about wanting to make her choices for her. As a member of the as-yet childless, I have people whispering behind my back about what I should do with my life, my marriage, or my ovaries, but once I have kids they will walk up and tell me to my face.
Having said all that, I've found that as a health educator the argument that "breastfeeding is free" is not tempting enough for many women. But when I tell them it can burn up to 500 calories a day, they lift their heads and start listening. (Strange how compelling that is to an 18 year old who is appalled at her 36-week-pregnant body.) If it gets them interested in breastfeeding, I'm not above saying it. But I think there's a difference between coaxing them and scolding them.
This is a fantastic post! I breastfed my two (am still going on the 10 month old), but I have seen so many people choose not to breastfeed for a myriad of reasons (a couple of which I considered peculiarly selfish from one particular friend of mine, but I kept my mouth shut and we're still friends, and I think that's the key to most of this - SHUTTING UP). My kids were good latchers right from the start, though the breastfeeding Nazis at the hospital basically came roaring in right after I gave birth, gave me their critique, and walked back out. Fortunately, my mother, who worked for an OB/GYN and breastfed all of us, was able to give me more specific help. And she had a nasty experience with my youngest sister - she had an underbite which made for very hard nursing (and orthodonture later).
I will say this for the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital I gave birth at - they do know when to quit. A friend of mine never had a good supply with her first, but when her second was born, it just wasn't happening. They gave her a hormone prescription that helped only minimally, and she was pumping like mad because she truly wanted to breastfeed for at least the first few months, and they were having to supplement with formula anyway because the baby was failing to thrive with just the breastmilk. Finally, the lactation consultants sat her down and said, "This is just not going to happen for you," and sent her on her way. The baby had formula from then on out and plumped up quite nicely. I don't think she'll ever bother trying to nurse next time.
The things we go through for our kids... in the end, if we choose not to breastfeed, it doesn't mean that we love them any less!
Thanks for the post!
I find it amazing that lack of breastfeeding would somehow be equivocated with smoking while pregnant, yet in regard to women's health, the birth control patch is being pushed regardless of the detrimental side effects/deaths associated with it (see www.bewareofthepatch.com).
I don't usually say "thanks" for a post, but what you wrote (and how you put it) really crystallized a lot of my feelings about the whole "debate" on breastfeeding. In my case, I really think it was the lactation consultant who helped to mess things up by not letting MM and me figure things out for ourselves; just when I thought we were starting to get a good sense of how to do things, she came in and told me the latch was all wrong...it wasn't entirely her fault, but she basically turned me from reasonably enthusiastic about BF to nervous and uncertain in a matter of seconds.
But in the end, my mom (who did breastfeed us) and my SIL (who breastfed until it was almost weird to be doing so) told me I had to do what was best for both MM and me (= get over the formula guilt and feed that baby), and having that kind of support meant a lot.
Nice post, L.
We nearly starved our firstborn right into a hospital stay because of breastfeeding guilt. "Every woman can nurse her child." Bullfeathers! My wife can't make a full supply. The technical name for her condition is "insufficient glandular tissue," which is the fancy-pants way of saying that her boobs just don't have what they need to make enough milk. Our poor son lost weight from 5 lbs 13 ozs to 4 lbs 12 ozs before we finally got it through our thick heads that we were going to kill him if we didn't change course. Fortunately, he's now a happy, healthy kindergartener.
We tried nursing again with our daughter (second child), and it didn't work then either. Fortunately, we surrendered to formula earlier, and she didn't suffer as badly. Now, with our third child, we've just used formula from Day One. My wife still nurses as much as she can, because some breastmilk is better than none, but then we "fill him up" with the formula when she's done. He's healthy, happy, gaining weight ... and we don't worry about it.
Some "choices" that people make are unacceptable. You know which ones I mean, L, and I won't sidetrack your excellent post by debating them. But most choices are just choices, and people need to get out of each others' faces about them....
A good read, indeed. I am constantly amazed at how lucky I was to have as successful a breastfeeding stint with Miss Fancy as I did. I see that only about 50% of my peers are as lucky as me.
On another score I read a note on a blog a while back from a Canadian mother like me really dishing out the kudos to US moms who are not luck enough to have 12 mos. leave like us. God I wish I said that: The number of mothers keeping up breastfeeding routines in the US while working really blow me away.
My daughter refused to breastfeed. She would not latch on, and she screamed and cried.
When she was three days old, I gave her a bottle, and she slept through the night for five months.
She's two. She's so smart it scares me. She's never had an ear infection--ever. She's off the charts in height and weight.
Breastfeeding did not work for us, and she is fine. I HATE militant moms and Mother Superiors. You can't choose what's right for every person. Some moms can't breastfeed...some babies can't breastfeed. Don't walk around talking hatefully about them 'till you've walked a mile in their musty bedroom slippers.
I like you.
With my first son, I ended up pumping after EVERY SINGLE FEEDING for the nine weeks I put myself through it (latching problems, among other things) and even then I felt guilty. With my second, I had such a resulting HORRIBLE association with all of it that I refused to hook myself up to the cursed pump, and since I had 19-month-old to chase around at the time, I felt like the only thing that could "give" in the situation was nursing, so with my second, I only lasted 3 or 4 weeks. WEEKS. Sigh. The guilt I have is a complete result of exactly the types of media pushes that you're talking about. We all know the benefits of breastfeeding, but unfortunately, everyone can't do it. Let's not rake them over the coals for it. The point is to have a healthy kid, and if breastfeeding is taking so much away from the mom, our goal won't be met, right?
I'm torn on this issue. I do breastfeed exclusively, and there is absolutely no way I would if I were working. I hate that pump with a passion that knows no bounds. I am in awe of everyone who sticks it out while working.
And I agree that the guilt doesn't help anyone.
But I've had a lot of lack-of-support of breastfeeding. My older child was in the NICU for her first three days. Like a PP, I had hemorrhaged and my milk was slow coming in. The nurses would not stop telling me to just give her formula (she was on IV nutrients, so not starving), and refused to release her from the NICU until I successfully nursed her there. Finally one kind nurse advocated for releasing her to my room and we managed success.
Then when my daughter was around a year she had some issues with weight gain and she wasn't very interested in solids. Both the doctor and the eating therapist insisted that breastfeeding was part of the problem and insisted I wean. Now my younger child is 10 months and I've had multiple friends say with shock "you are still nursing her???"
There must be some middle ground somewhere; a way to say that breastfeeding is normal, and that it is the preferred thing to do, without indicting those that can't or choose not to do it.
You know, I thought this was brilliant.
And I would love to see you send it to the New York Fucking Times.
My son couldn't breastfeed for various reasons, and I couldn't keep up with him by pumping. I worked so hard those first few days, and it almost killed me. I tried really hard to have zero expections about what the birth would be like, etc., but I NEVER in a million years thought I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. I felt like the worst mother in the world.
What I've come to realize is that there are a million ways to raise a child, and my way is just fine, too. We're doing OK, and thank goodness there was an alternative for us. They say breast is best, but really, I think choice is best. Let's free ourselves to make the best choices for our own bodies--and our babies--based on what works best for everyone.
Jenny, I have to completely agree with you. I'm a whole-hearted believer in breastfeeding and it makes me so sad to hear about people who wanted to breastfeed and got very little support regarding their attempts to breastfeed.
However, I do think it's sad that women who can't breastfeed are made to feel guilty and like the "worst mother in the world." That's just not right.
There must be some kind of middle ground.
Middle ground and common sense would be nice in the breastfeeding debate. But there isn't much left in American discourse any more. Having read so many horror stories of the overly pushy nurses who guilt a mother into nursing even when it isn't working, I was surprised to hear from my 16 year old niece, who just had a baby, that she wasn't able to breastfeed. And I said, oh. And she said, nope, there was no milk the first time she tried to feed the baby, so it wouldn't work. And then she was shocked when her milk came in 3 days later. Where were any nurses to just explain to her how it works? Maybe she doesn't continue to nurse, fine by me. But allowing that kind of misinformation to pass (besides the costs of formula...) just irks me. (But I was 5 hours away and didn't even know she was pregnant. So I can't complain too loudly. Sorry to vent.)
Once I got past a monstrous yeast infection and the horrible pain/wounds that went with it, I actually enjoyed breastfeeding quite a bit. Like you L., I loved the fact that I was saving money. I liked that I was burning calories. I loved the ease and portability of just whipping out a boob. And I felt like I was giving my Petunia her best shot at not ending up with my DH's allergies and asthma problems. I didn't like the hassle of pumping, and BFing was hard when I was working, but overall I had a really good experience and nursed Petunia until she was 9 1/2 months.
It really made me sad that I had a good friend who hated it. She could breastfeed, no problems with supply or latch or anything, but she felt trapped by being her baby's sole food source. She wanted freedom, and wasn't comfortable whipping her boobs out everywhere. She didn't want to be relegated to someone's bedroom during a party or the bathroom at the mall or whatever, and she didn't want to have to plan her life around her son's next feeding. So she quit breastfeeding at three weeks (after her son's nurse practioner/her lactation consultant told her it was okay) and was ever so much happier.
It made me sad because I felt like I had this great thing going, and she didn't think it was great. It was like recommending a book or restaurant I loved to a friend and having her tell me she put it down or left mid-way through because it was so disappointing.
That said, I supported my friend and her choice. When she started bottle-feeding, it was like a cloud lifted and she became happy again. I think that her being a happy mother and enjoying her son was ever so much better than being depressed and guilty and resenting him.
I second jenorama's suggestion!
I nursed my son, pumped at work and finally weaned at 10 months, only to get pregnant a few weeks later... Expecting #2 in September, and I've wondered what kind of breastfeeding pressure I'll get since I'm going to stay home this time. My husband nearly cried when I weaned child #1. Weird. Makes you want to scream "It's about me and the health of the baby, people- JUST BUTT OUT!"
Thanks for expressing (no pun intended) the facts so well-excellent post!
They hypocrisy of suggesting that women be punished for not breast-feeding, while not giving DECENT (AT LEAST six months) PAID (AT LEAST 50% wage) maternity leave is so outrageous I am sputtering for word to adequately express my fury.
HOW DARE THEY?
How fucking dare they?
As to the debate over to breast or not. I don't think anyone has ever argued, in this generation, that breast isn't best. We know that. Factually, statistically, the vast majority of women can, if they choose. Many do not get adquate support and/or education, and so do not succeed. That is sad.
There are those who choose to, and succeed, and enjoy it. There are those who choose not to, and enjoy that, too. Both those are good - as long as part of their enjoyment doesn't involve trashing women who made the other choice!
Those who choose, as you did, to breastfeed for reasons that had little to do with personal satisfaction: well, good for you! Good for you for persevering. Not everyone would, nor should they be expected to. And good for you for knowing when you'd had enough.
It simply can't be said that a woman who chooses to bottle feed imperils her baby. For heavens' sake! Probably most of the law-makers who would institute such a ludicrous law were themselves breastfed. Oh, wait. That's proving their point for them, isn't it, since there's obviously something VERY WRONG WITH THEIR BRAINS.
Sigh.
Sorry you had to go through this guilt trip. I'm sure it was one of a million. And yes, I breastfed, and yes I've been bitten by six set of teeth and yes, I wanted to throw in the towell (but the money factor totally inspired me to keep it up.)
Whether you're a trailer trash momma, or a redneck mama, or a rich mama, you're a mama. We all deal with poop, including our own, and vomit, including our own. The difference is that they sometimes pay someone else to be annoyed by their kids. Some of us can't afford to. Thus, the blogging.
I loved your post! One of the biggest reasons I wanted to breastfeed (other than the health reasons) was because it's FREE. I've never understood why a bigger deal isn't made out of that.
I breastfed for 4 months and it was mostly fine but I HATE it when women are bullied into making decisions about this issue. As has been mentioned, some women are in no fit state, both physically and psychologically, to feed in this way. In my research I have found scanty evidence that breast milk significantly benefits a 'normal', healthy child (however it has proven benefits in preterm and other conditions)
I am so appalled by the ever increasing pressure on a very vulnerable section of society. Give the correct information and let them choose what is best for them and their family.
I really really needed to read these posts. We just gave birth to our second son on Friday. Today is monday and I am starting to break emotionally. At first I really worked at getting him to latch on. I worked with the consultant and was positive about it even though my first son would not latch on and I ended up pumping all of his feedings for four weeks - where as I got no sleep and he ate every 2 hours. So imagine pumping for an hour, then feeding the baby, then having to pump again - no down time. He projectile vomited alot. Then once I switched to formula, he slept longer, kept his food down, he became a much happier baby and I became a much happier mother.
So now here we are again. The first day in the hospital was fine, and I felt great about being able to feed him- though he wasn't getting much. I would much rather wip out my breast feed him and have everything be perfect. But it is not working. To make matters even better my nipples are somewhat flat. He doesn't want anything to do with them now, and my milk isn't coming in very well. I am pumping and yes I probably could be pumping much more but I'm beginning to absolutely hate it! I am engorged but nothing is coming out. I appreciate people encouraging me and telling me not to give up -- But I need someone to tell me -- It's ok to stop. --to say -- you know if this is emotionally weakening you, then stop.
And no -- I don't want to speak to another consultant. Am I lazy for not working at it more? Am I selfish for deciding to stop? Am I a quitter? These are all questions that plague me and bring me to tears.
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. They have helped. Maybe once we see his pediatrician on wednesday I'll feel better about things.
Oh, Kristi, I don't know what to say -- I'm glad my words helped, and I hope you get through what you're going through, no matter what you decide is best for you and your family!
Thank you so much for this post. I have to admit, I had a revelation when my sister-in-law gave birth to her first. I was SO in love with that less-than-24-hour-old baby, and I was INCENSED that my SIL chose not to even try to breastfeed, even though she'd been told of all the benefits. How dare she! And for such selfish reasons...she didn't want stretch marks, she was too tender, she didn't want to have saggy boobs. I was furious that she refused to do what *I* thought was best for *MY* niece.
Then I took a step back (luckily before I said any of this to her or to anyone else!) and I realized...her body is HER BODY. Her baby is HER BABY. I would not presume to tell her how to raise her child in any other way (discipline, food choices later, private vs. public school, piano lessons or not, whatever). How dare I try to tell her what to do with her own body? It's NOT MY BUSINESS.
My niece is now a stunning, brilliant, joyful, incredibly healthy and strong 11 year old. My SIL buckled to pressure and BF her second child for a short time, and it was a miserable time for both mother and child. The second child was surprisingly much more prone to illness than her non-BF older sister...but is now just as healthy, smart and strong.
My SIL is a fantastic mom...and I'm so glad I kept my mouth shut.
The only boobs I'm in charge of are my own.
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