Free Range
Daughter can now make a cup of hot chocolate by herself. She knows how to put water in the pot, turn the gas on under it, wait for it to boil, and then carefully pour it into the cup with the the instant cocoa mix.
"You let a nine-year old use the stove?" some of my friends asked, incredulously.
So I tell them last year in Tokyo, Daughter and her group of eight-year-old friends used to go to our neighborhood coffee shop and order hot chocolate, all by themselves. No adults -- just a table of little girls, sipping their drinks, eating their cookies.
"You let an eight-year old walk around unsupervised?" my friends ask, their mouths agape.
Well, of course I don`t let her do that in San Francisco. But walking to and from school with no adults present is still the norm for Tokyo elementary school students, so my kids were used to having free run of our neighborhood after school, and on weekends.
Daughter didn`t have her own key, because she was bad about losing things, but Big Son had his. That way, he could let himself in if no one was home, in case I had stepped out to do errands with Little Son.
"Where`s my key to the new house?" he asked, when we arrived here.
"You won`t ever need one here," I told him, much to his chagrin.
I`ve written a lot about how much Big Son misses Tokyo, but I haven`t talked much about how much Daughter misses it, too.
Overall, she`s been happy here -- she`s made great new friends, she`s doing well in school, she loves her class and her teacher. But still, she keeps inquiring, "When are we going home?"
"What exactly do you miss?" I asked her, thinking that maybe I figure out a way to get, or recreate, whatever she craves.
"I miss shopping by myself. I want to go to stores with just my friends, without anyone`s mother with us."
I imagine dropping her and a third-grade friend off at the mall, and leaving them there. Um....no! It`s simply not possible to recreate what she misses.
"In a few years, when you`re in junior high school, you can go shopping alone again," I say, and instantly regret saying this. That was the norm in my hometown in Connecticut, when I was growing up in the late `70`s. But has the norm changed? Do people no longer let their junior high school-age kids go to the mall alone?
So, yeah, I let Daughter use the stove to make her hot chocolate.
It seems like the least I can let her do.
"You let a nine-year old use the stove?" some of my friends asked, incredulously.
So I tell them last year in Tokyo, Daughter and her group of eight-year-old friends used to go to our neighborhood coffee shop and order hot chocolate, all by themselves. No adults -- just a table of little girls, sipping their drinks, eating their cookies.
"You let an eight-year old walk around unsupervised?" my friends ask, their mouths agape.
Well, of course I don`t let her do that in San Francisco. But walking to and from school with no adults present is still the norm for Tokyo elementary school students, so my kids were used to having free run of our neighborhood after school, and on weekends.
Daughter didn`t have her own key, because she was bad about losing things, but Big Son had his. That way, he could let himself in if no one was home, in case I had stepped out to do errands with Little Son.
"Where`s my key to the new house?" he asked, when we arrived here.
"You won`t ever need one here," I told him, much to his chagrin.
I`ve written a lot about how much Big Son misses Tokyo, but I haven`t talked much about how much Daughter misses it, too.
Overall, she`s been happy here -- she`s made great new friends, she`s doing well in school, she loves her class and her teacher. But still, she keeps inquiring, "When are we going home?"
"What exactly do you miss?" I asked her, thinking that maybe I figure out a way to get, or recreate, whatever she craves.
"I miss shopping by myself. I want to go to stores with just my friends, without anyone`s mother with us."
I imagine dropping her and a third-grade friend off at the mall, and leaving them there. Um....no! It`s simply not possible to recreate what she misses.
"In a few years, when you`re in junior high school, you can go shopping alone again," I say, and instantly regret saying this. That was the norm in my hometown in Connecticut, when I was growing up in the late `70`s. But has the norm changed? Do people no longer let their junior high school-age kids go to the mall alone?
So, yeah, I let Daughter use the stove to make her hot chocolate.
It seems like the least I can let her do.
posted by L. at 5:57 PM
15 Comments:
I might think about Rebecca and Rochelle at the mall next year (if I take them and pick them up and if they have a phone with them). This is a smaller town of course. My grandkids have been going after school for a while now and the youngest is still in middle school (6 months older than Elcie).
They go to the local store now and have for the last year. Sometimes take Elcie along in the chair.
They make hot chocolate but in the microwave and Ramen noodles on the electric stove. Done that for a while as well.
I don't long for the dark ages of the 50's but in some ways it was better. I ran all over town at their age, was out of the house during the summer constantly and no one really worried that much.
I can understand that she feels caged. It would be different if she had never known the feeling.
Okay, look, I don't want to scare you or anything, but...
I used to know a guy in college who told me he used to pick up fifteen year old girls at the mall, take them home and have sex with them, and them drive them back to the mall. The girls' parents didn't know their girls had ever left the mall. This happened more than once.
It was consensual sex, as far as I know (as consensual as sex between a 15-year-old girl and a 20-year-old guy can be), and he never hurt them physically, but I can imagine that sort of thing wouldn't be great for the girls' self-esteem.
I'm not saying this is going to happen to your daughter, but you should know that this does happen.
you know, i used to run around a lot when i was a kid. (elementary school) granted, we lived in military housing (fenced in and everything) but there were a lot of people there. and i don't think it was any safer then (twenty years ago) than it is now, but we were just lucky.
i'm from a small town, too, and i think jr. high kids still go to the mall by themselves (well, no extensive bus system so parents take and pick them up.) maybe you could take your daughter (if you're still in SF), stay at the mall yourself but let her be on her own for an hour or two...(dunno, though, my baby is 18-months-old.)
My sister (now 13) and her friends have been let loose in our local mall alone before (suburb of Seattle), but there are certain ground rules. They HAVE to stay together, and they HAVE to meet back at an appointed spot at an appointed time. Oh, and at least one parent has stayed at the mall while the girls were out doing their thing. I think that with these few precautions (and possibly a cell phone), it has worked out pretty well. By the time I was 8, I could bake chocolate-chip cookies. My Dad taught me, but he only taught me so HE could stop making them and have me do it for him. :)
I'd have to read essays and theses about why North Americans are so paranoid that kids can't do anything alone before commenting (ranting) intellectually. Not only does it curb the freedom of children, but it curbs the freedom of parents--mainly moms--who have to drive and be on call all the time. If I had kids in Canada, I know I'd be the same. It's one of the reasons why, if I have kids, I want to raise them overseas...at least that's my thinking now, it could change.
That's what I loved and still love about Japan--memories of being with friends running the streets, taking the trains, etc etc, all on our own. I saw the same in Kuwait and I see it here in Paris too, not as much, but kids as young as 8 or 9, on their own, walking home from school, buying a croissant, playing outside.
I'm amazed that your daughter is able to articulate so clearly that that is what she missed. We moved back to Canada when I was 10--to a small town--so although I didn't have access to any shops or public transit, I still had freedom to roam.
So yeah, let Daughter make that hot chocolate.
Maya can make waffles herself, mainly because she started doing it without asking, and it turned out fine, so what am I to say about that? I'm still nervous about the stove, but she'll probably do that before I'm ready, too.
We will let her and her friend go to the movies without us, while we see a 'grown up' movie in the same theater. That's an easy compromise.
:)
Autumn can make a lot on the stove. When I'm in the house. Microwave only, if I'm not. She's a big help cooking dinner. No one makes better noodle-roni than her ;). She begs to be taken to the mall, just her and a friend. The compromise is that we go together, they can wander up a store or two, but they have to keep checking in. We live kind of far from any sort of civilized communities so she won't be going anywhere alone at least until she's driving. Whew!
Poor Daughter! It must be tough to have certain freedoms taken away due to a move to a new home. But you're absolutely right to be protective of her. Things in SF certainly aren't the same as in Japan or many other parts of the world. It's a sad state of affairs but what can you do? Better safe than sorry!
That's absolutely what I missed when we first moved back to the States from Hong Kong. I was lucky in that I was old enough to get my driver's license, but even my parents' attitudes towards me being out seemed to change with the move; or maybe they had the same problem of safety that you're confronted with.
I don't know if it directly correlates or not, but I moved back to East Asia at the first available opportunity and spent the next 20 years going back and forth...
It is sad that things are so much scarier here, but you are definitely doing the right thing - you're in a whole different world when it comes to the kids' safety.
The idea that your daughter could and did have freedom like that is pretty wonderful and somewhat scary for North American me.
Although come to think of it, my kids and and their group of friends have nearly free run of the city park that we go to each week and meet up with other homeschool families at.
They just have to stay in a pack and give us a general description of where they are.
They have been doing that since they were about 9 or 10.
I wonder if there were any corollaries for our parents? Aww poor kids today, they can't even ride a horse without an adult under the age of 15?
Naw, probably not.
I know I will regret the restrictions on my daughter I didn't experience myself. I think for example about how I literally lived for hide and seek at a certain age and how unlikely it is she will ever be let loose in a wide expanse of brush with 4 or 5 other kids to play for hours.
Although, I do sometimes like that we live in the city as this can afford -- ironically -- a bit more flexibility for our kids and the adults. For example, when my neighbour who has a 6 week old and a 22 month old pines to play tennis it is no prob... Three couples can meet up at the park and some passably suitable Mom, i.e. me, can keep rather casual eye out while my daughter plays with her daughter and the baby sleeps. All the while she can 'be there' for the girls while picking up a match with some other parents. I noticed this sort of thing in Paris but in a somewhat different vein. Yes the kids are on their own at young ages but in many cases it is within the quadrangle of housing where people are in fact keeping quite a close watch despite the kids sense of freedom.
LOL yes I keep trying to tell american parents about how unsafe our communty really is that we can't let a kid outside alone anymore. AND I was cooking on the stove at 7 and I was staying alone in the house because mom had to be at work and we were so poor that we couldn't afford any child care. Nothing that bad ever happened. Sure some stuff like I spilled milk on the typewriter and blamed the cat, and once I ruined a make up kit that was real expensive. BUT really all I was, was really bored. NOT that I am advocating leaving a child alone for as long as I was.... but the idea that they are unable to cook or clean their rooms or play by themselves is sometime a bit much to take. BUT I try not to judge... after all old childfree myself what can I say??? I am a big dork that is too scared to be a parent AT ALL .... even the idea of being preg. scares the livin' out of me. So I can't really find fault.... better by far to be over protective and have living children then... ok nvm I am not gonna finish that one.
That is something I loved about living in Japan - seeing all the primary school children catching trains, going off to look for crickets, carrying their butterfly nets down our street.
I live in Australia and I'm really tired of the paranoid safety stuff. I don't have children yet, but when I do,I am going to do my best to allow them to do most of the things I did. The thing that gets me here is that every study that is done on crime shows the crime rate here is decreasing. I think children are in a lot more danger from being supervised to death, never allowed to try things or even make mistakes. How will they become independant adults?
And what is the worst that could happen allowing a responsible 9YO to boil water and pour it? At the very worst she could burn herself, but I was boiling up toffees at 8 and 9 and never did. Children are very capable, when they are allowed to be so. I just have to watch the three year olds where I teach carefully pouring themselves a glass (yes! glass) of water out of a (glass) jug to know that.
Your blog makes me homesick for Tokyo too, and I've been back here for four years.
sorry, didn't mean to be anonymous. My name's Anna
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