Allergy Season
A new friend of mine here casually mentioned yesterday that she thinks she might be pregnant.
And when she said this, my stomach did a flip-flop.
I call this reaction my "baby allergy." It started exactly at the time Hub started making those moony eyes, staring wistfully at other people`s infants and sighing, "Wouldn`t it be great...?"
So now, the sight of a baby or any baby goods, or even the mention of a pregnancy, sets off a little physical reaction inside me. I know lots of people who feel this way about snakes, and I once knew a very squeamish girl in school who would feel faint if she so much as heard the word, "blood." Well, all anyone has to do is whisper "baby" in my ear, and I will involuntarily shudder, and feel a bit ill.
I know that some of the people who read my blog have struggled, or are still struggling with infertility. I will say now that this post is not about you -- it`s about me. I don`t know what it`s like to be you, and I never will. Nor will you ever know what it`s like to be me, but I hope this post gives you some insight, the way my "baby allergy" has give me insight into how my childfree-by-choice friends feel.
Over the years, I`ve known a number of women who never wanted children, and always knew they never wanted children. A few of them had their contraceptives fail, conceived, and subsequently aborted. Most of them either got their tubes tied afterward, or persuaded their husbands to get snipped.
I`ve also heard what other friends have said about these women`s choices behind their backs. A few supposedly pro-choice women, who have nothing but compassion and support for women who abort in drastic circumstances, said, "How selfish!" whenever they heard about these well-off, married women ending their pregnancies "just for convenience." I didn`t understand this -- did they think an abortion should only be procured under duress, and never as a fully informed, rational choice made after calm reflection?
While I myself never judged my friends` decisions, I honestly could not imagine what compelled them to do what they did. My husband and I really wanted children, and I just didn`t understand people who really did not. It was as Mother Theresa said -- "How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers."
But Mother Theresa, God rest her soul, never gestated any nine-pound flowers and then expelled them from her vagina. I think I understand child-free people better, now that I don`t want to have any more children myself. Of course, I will never know what it`s like to be them, and they`re all very different people, but if any of them have anything like my current "baby allergy," then I can empathize.
Now, I am an educated, liberated woman in a developed country -- I do not have to have any more babies. This is entirely my choice. Hub, his wistful eyes notwithstanding, is resigned to my decision, and even if he weren`t, there is no legal way he could force me to bear another one for him. I have the means to use several forms of contraception, to reduce my chance of concieving to as close to zero as I possibly can. And if that one-in-a-million chance still happens, I live in San Francisco, not South Dakota. So my "baby allergy" isn`t a problem that affects my life much. If I happen to see a lost pacifier or a tiny mitten in the street, I shudder and step over it, and keep on walking.
I don`t love my three children any less, or regret anything I`ve ever done for them -- they were worth it all, beyond words. My current "baby allergy" isn`t about them -- instead, I think it`s a direct signal from all the various cells of my aging body. My scarred, thin-walled uterus is telling me, "Please do not stretch me out and cut me open again!" My hormones are telling me, "Please do not kick us into overdrive again!" My breasts are telling me, "Please don`t make us lactate again!" My brain cells are telling me, "Enough is enough!"
I know for a fact that not all humans share my "allergy" -- while I am repelled by the young of my species, I realize most people are not, nor should they be. This "baby allergy" is entirely mine, and mine alone, and don`t worry -- it isn`t contagious. I keep it myself, for the most part, and only reveal it on my blog and to a few friends.
But one of these friends suggested to me that my "baby allergy" sounded like something for which I should "seek help," because it`s "just not healthy."
Huh? So, the only "healthy" attitude for a woman is to desire pregnancies and babies? And if this desire should suddenly vanish, then something is wrong with the woman`s thinking and she needs to go get her head straightened out?
That made me angry.
Pardon me, while I go burn my nursing bra.
And when she said this, my stomach did a flip-flop.
I call this reaction my "baby allergy." It started exactly at the time Hub started making those moony eyes, staring wistfully at other people`s infants and sighing, "Wouldn`t it be great...?"
So now, the sight of a baby or any baby goods, or even the mention of a pregnancy, sets off a little physical reaction inside me. I know lots of people who feel this way about snakes, and I once knew a very squeamish girl in school who would feel faint if she so much as heard the word, "blood." Well, all anyone has to do is whisper "baby" in my ear, and I will involuntarily shudder, and feel a bit ill.
I know that some of the people who read my blog have struggled, or are still struggling with infertility. I will say now that this post is not about you -- it`s about me. I don`t know what it`s like to be you, and I never will. Nor will you ever know what it`s like to be me, but I hope this post gives you some insight, the way my "baby allergy" has give me insight into how my childfree-by-choice friends feel.
Over the years, I`ve known a number of women who never wanted children, and always knew they never wanted children. A few of them had their contraceptives fail, conceived, and subsequently aborted. Most of them either got their tubes tied afterward, or persuaded their husbands to get snipped.
I`ve also heard what other friends have said about these women`s choices behind their backs. A few supposedly pro-choice women, who have nothing but compassion and support for women who abort in drastic circumstances, said, "How selfish!" whenever they heard about these well-off, married women ending their pregnancies "just for convenience." I didn`t understand this -- did they think an abortion should only be procured under duress, and never as a fully informed, rational choice made after calm reflection?
While I myself never judged my friends` decisions, I honestly could not imagine what compelled them to do what they did. My husband and I really wanted children, and I just didn`t understand people who really did not. It was as Mother Theresa said -- "How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers."
But Mother Theresa, God rest her soul, never gestated any nine-pound flowers and then expelled them from her vagina. I think I understand child-free people better, now that I don`t want to have any more children myself. Of course, I will never know what it`s like to be them, and they`re all very different people, but if any of them have anything like my current "baby allergy," then I can empathize.
Now, I am an educated, liberated woman in a developed country -- I do not have to have any more babies. This is entirely my choice. Hub, his wistful eyes notwithstanding, is resigned to my decision, and even if he weren`t, there is no legal way he could force me to bear another one for him. I have the means to use several forms of contraception, to reduce my chance of concieving to as close to zero as I possibly can. And if that one-in-a-million chance still happens, I live in San Francisco, not South Dakota. So my "baby allergy" isn`t a problem that affects my life much. If I happen to see a lost pacifier or a tiny mitten in the street, I shudder and step over it, and keep on walking.
I don`t love my three children any less, or regret anything I`ve ever done for them -- they were worth it all, beyond words. My current "baby allergy" isn`t about them -- instead, I think it`s a direct signal from all the various cells of my aging body. My scarred, thin-walled uterus is telling me, "Please do not stretch me out and cut me open again!" My hormones are telling me, "Please do not kick us into overdrive again!" My breasts are telling me, "Please don`t make us lactate again!" My brain cells are telling me, "Enough is enough!"
I know for a fact that not all humans share my "allergy" -- while I am repelled by the young of my species, I realize most people are not, nor should they be. This "baby allergy" is entirely mine, and mine alone, and don`t worry -- it isn`t contagious. I keep it myself, for the most part, and only reveal it on my blog and to a few friends.
But one of these friends suggested to me that my "baby allergy" sounded like something for which I should "seek help," because it`s "just not healthy."
Huh? So, the only "healthy" attitude for a woman is to desire pregnancies and babies? And if this desire should suddenly vanish, then something is wrong with the woman`s thinking and she needs to go get her head straightened out?
That made me angry.
Pardon me, while I go burn my nursing bra.
posted by L. at 10:33 AM
13 Comments:
Why do we do this to each other??? I didn't realize my shuddering was in fact a baby allergy. Thanks for clearing that one up. I only have one child. For me and my husband, she is all we need. I did have those pangs for another baby a couple different times in my life, even a year or two ago. The pang quickly grew into reality. I know myself well enough to know that yea I could have another one, but I'm not as healthy as I could be mentally or physically to give my all to create and nuture a new life. I'd much rather go on a really nice expensive vacation!
When in the world did it get to be any one else's business how many kids we have?
Your floodgates will probably open about now but wanted to put my oar in first.
So knowing your own limits is a problem that one needs to seek help for? I guess that explains a lot about our current administration.
Seriously, though, this seems like the kind of situation that will be completely resolved just by the passage of time. In another 15-20 years one of your kids will have a baby, and Hub's baby lust will be quenched and you won't be allergic to that baby. Problem solved.
While I am very much pro-life, if you know that three is enough for you, great! There is nothing wrong with saying "enough" and wanting to protect your sanity.
I totally understand. When my neighbor was going to have a baby last year, I thought I would spend all day over at her place, playing with the baby and feeding latent unfulfilled baby hunger.
didn't happen. I looked at the cute little dumpling in her arms and all I could think was "better you than me."
For knowing that you don't want another baby, and sticking to what works for you, you don't need "help". you need a freaking gold star.
******
About ten years ago, when my youngest was two-ish, I, too, had a "baby allergy". (Not, thank goodness, triggered by the children with whom I work!) If your experience is like mine, your baby allergy will subside in time. (When I had my tubes tied, it vanished, leaving me to think that part of the allergy was in fact fear!) Now, instead of a wave of nausea when a friend announces a pregnancy, I feel only a wave of pleasure - for her, and intense gratitude - for myself!
I've been putting off writing a cheery note to my cousin, expecting her 1st in about 5 wks...
Part of it is my own baby allergy -- I want to say, "Woo hoo! better YOU than ME, cuz!"
Keep in mind, you are dialoguing w/a woman who had to be coerced into her one & only full-term pregnancy; whose reply to 1st Hubby upon being proposed to, was to remind him that I never wanted any children of the human variety, sure I'd marry him if he got that straight up front...(Well he did for the 1st 7 or 8 yrs anyway!)
I keep myself quite busy enough w/one, thank you very much! My hat's off to ya with three...
My allergy was such that 5 weeks after Devon was born, I had my tubes tied because as I told my doctor, "I want to know 24 hours a day, 365 days a year that I will never ever be pregnant again." If you know what you want, you know what you want. That is the beauty of coice. We are blessed to have that choice.
L, this whole maternal thing indicts itself whenever it suggests that a woman should feel guilt for stopping at three kids. 3 is goddamned reasonable. Three is a sweet bunch of grapes. If Hub is burning for a baby, talk adoption. See how he feels about that.
And post the tasty details here!
Light, formal, peck of friendship on the cheek, courtesy, vastmoderateconspiracy.com, who is just full of beer and good advice.
Baby allergy. Like the term. I think you're allowed to develop one.
Now go seek help for not wanting to breed a baseball team.
Hi L.,
I'm not sure if your friend thinks you not wanting to have children is "not healthy." I'm guessing she thinks your fear/distaste/whatever you want to call it for the children of others is "not healthy."
For example, there are numerous things that I wouldn't do to my body (piercings, tattoos, etc.) but I don't have physical symptoms when I encounter someone who has.
I think it's one thing to not want to have any more children and it's another to be so fearful/whatever of becoming pregnant that you have physical reactions to anyone who is pregnant or when you see baby items.
Since you know you don't want to give birth to anymore children, have you considered getting the "tubes tied?" I would think that something like that and the certainty it brings would help you feel less fear and be more comfortable with the children of others.
what the? i'm sorry, i thought we were living in the 21st century, and i was a little confused when someone told you that not wanting any more children is "just not healthy..."
good for you for know what you want (and don't want) and sticking to your guns.
Considering how awful the post partum was for you I have no problem what so ever beleiveing that you have complete and utter horror at the thought of having another baby. Even if you had those feeling before you ever gave brith I would respect that. I personally love babies.... not so good when it comes to the 3-4yr olds..... just can't deal with that age. The idea of taking care of 3-10 is horrifying to me. I like them before and I like them after just the parts inbetween that get to me. We mostly decided not to get preg. because hubby has a baby allegery himself..... he just doesn't like babies at all and see little use for children. He got clipped a couple of years ago and I am SOOOOOOO happy because I just didn't want to do any more BC. OF course the families on either side were dismayed.... my family expecially as I am the only and last child of both my mother and father and all out of all of my maternal grandchildren to survive. But ... I don't care. There are plenty of wonderful beautiful people on this earth they don't need my gene pool...lol... well they don't.
Post a Comment
<< Home