Weighty Postscript

(UPDATE: Last night, after like the 500th hit on yesterday`s post, I asked Hub, point blank, "Did you not want me at your office Christmas party because of the way I look?" and he looked up wearily and said, "No -- it`s because when you drink, you have a big mouth!" And then he said, "Um, why are you asking me this now?" Oh, no reason --- there`s just a bunch of people on the Internet now who hate you because of something your big-mouthed wife said about you on her blog...)

I don`t quite believe what a massive can of wriggly worms MIM opened up with her weight gain post. No, actually -- I do believe it.

And my own post on weight gain yesterday is now linked on both Tertia`s blog and Suburban Bliss (one of those famous sites I`ve never read regularly, but I guess I now have to start, because she appears to be a fellow long-suffering bride of a metrosexual). I thought my sitemeter was broken or something, because I`m getting so many hits from those two sites.

I never intended my post to be a counterpart argument rebutting MIM`s -- more of a complementary one, with my own personal take on it.

I also never intended to trash my husband, by drawing attention to what I will say is a relatively minor issue in a long and mostly happy marriage.

Hub and I have been together for over 20 years, and tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary, Hub! For your present, I made you into a Mommy Blog villain -- isn`t that so hip and cool? Dozens of complete strangers now think you`re an asshole!

I also want to follow up to say, after reading more of MIM`s comments, and others` comments, and thinking about it all some more, MIM never defined what she meant by, "attraction," and I think that word means something different to everyone.

"Attraction" is not synonomous with "love," although in some relationships, they are so entwined as to be inseparable. Not so in mine -- certainly, in the beginning, before we could speak each other`s language well enough to communicate, sexual attraction was a main pillar of our relationship. Hell -- it was the ONLY pillar of our relationship, until we both brushed up on our language skills.

Sexual attraction still matters now, but let`s just say it`s no longer at the top of the list, or even in the top ten. Please, commenters, do not jump all over that and tell me that that`s a "bad score"-- the only satisfactory amount of sex in any relationship is the amount that`s acceptable to both partners.

Our own numbers dropped for many reasons: Hub is a workaholic, our 3-year old sleeps in our bed, I have a totally irrational terror of getting pregnant again, etc. I could go on and on, but it`s most important to stress that my weight, which has fluctuated from a low of 105 to a pregnant high of 185, has NEVER directly affected our sex life. It`s been about the same, in frequency and quality, no matter what I`ve weighed.

Hub`s present concerns about my weight are strictly related to my appearance, not our intimate life, which is why I am more dismissive of them than I might be, if the opposite were true. As I said to MIM in an email, if it would directly enhance our sex life, I would probably consider losing or gaining weight, shaving my head (or more sensitive areas), even getting plastic surgery. Sure, losing a few pounds wouldn`t hurt, but at this point it would make less of a difference than taking the time to go away for a romantic weekend, which we keep saying we`re going to do, but haven`t done since we moved to San Francisco.

Appearances count to Hub, and as several commenters suggested, some of this is his cultural baggage. There`s an old Japanese saying, something along the lines that men from Tokyo spend all their money going to see Kabuki shows, men from Kyoto spend it all on fine kimonos, and men from Osaka spend it all on food. Guess where Hub is from!

Plus, Hub`s university degree is in something called "Aesthetics," which appears to be a combination of art history and philosophy. So yeah, the guy is obviously very interested in what everything looks like.

When we were first dating, Hub would comment on my clothes, and this really bugged me because he reminded me of my mother. But then he started combing thrift stores, and buying me vintage Issey Miyake and Yoji Yamamoto and Comme Des Garcons clothes, and I thought, hey, wait -- I kind of like this! I considered the true tests to be those occasions when I still wore something that I knew he didn`t like, and he kept his mouth shut. This proved to me that appearances count for him, but they`re obviously not everything. If appearances were mostly what mattered to him, I wouldn`t have stayed with him.

MIM`s post was not just about weight, but also about hair length. Of course, most commenters picked up the "weight" ball and ran with it, but the "hair" ball is just as important. (Damn, that was an unfortunate metaphor, but I`m going to leave it in because it made me laugh.)

When I met Hub, he thought short hair was sexy. Consequently, my hair was very short for over a decade. I personally like it better long, but when the man I love kissed the back of my neck and murmured, "Please...cut...your...hair....," I cut my hair.

But then Hub grew a beard. He didn`t consult me -- he just did it, and I HATED it at first. It looked kind of cool, but it was like kissing a hairbrush-- pffft!

So out of spite, I grew out my hair, and told him I wasn`t cutting it until he got rid of the beard. I bought a bunch of cool barrettes to pull it back. In time, I decided I LOVED his beard, and I liked my own hair long. I chopped my hair off last summer, but regretted it and am now growing it out again.

As for Hub`s appearance, he`s put on more than a few pounds over the years, too, because I`ve fattened him up with my cooking. When I was young, I was only attracted to very skinny guys, but that changed in direct relation to Hub. When he got fatter, I developed a proportionate attraction to fatter guys. I know it doesn`t always work that way, but in my case, it did.

Anyway, I guess my bottom line here is that marriages are complex, attractions are complex, weight issues can be complex, and there are no right answers. There are probably several right answers at any given moment, in any given relationship, including mine, including MIM`s -- and including yours, too.

Right?