Explanations of All the Seemingly Incongruous Catholic Stuff In Our Life
Recent commenter H. writes,
I have to ask why you have put your children in a Catholic school? I feel so bad for your little guy that he has had to change countries, languages, cultures and schools. Now it seems like he is caught between religious beliefs as well. I have been following your posts on standupandspeakout. You seem to have your own issues with the Church and seem to be fighting your own religious wars, so I wonder why you would put your little ones on the *front lines* in a religious school? I have to wonder if part of the problem isn't the disdain you seem to have for Church teaching? Plus, you have said that your husband is not supportive at all about their religious education. I don't want to sound hard, but I do have some real concerns about your situation if you don't all get on the same page somehow. It is something to think about...
Excellent questions, H. !
I`ve answered many of them on this blog before, but it`s about time I answered them all in one place and put it over there under, "About This Blog."
In order:
I have to ask why you have put your children in a Catholic school?
Long story here. When we were preparing to move to San Francisco from Tokyo, we had to make a lot of quick decisions about where to live, and where to educate the kids. After some discussion about moving to San Mateo, where Hub`s predecessor lived, we decided to live in the city instead, for exactly the same reasons we lived in the center of Tokyo: our love of urbanity, and convenience.
We wanted to put our children in a school that resembled their wonderful neighborhood public school in Tokyo, which was 1) very small; 2) had cultural, ethnic and socioeconomic diversity; and 3) had a close community of involved, committed parents. We also preferred that our kids attend a school within walking distance of where we would be living, to strengthen our ties in our neighborhood.
We looked into public schools, but San Francisco has a convoluted lottery system. Our move was planned for July, by which time it would be "open enrollment," meaning we`d have to scurry for places that remained after all the rounds of the lottery were complete. A very nice counselor at the Unified School District`s Educational Placement Center told me they couldn`t guarantee to place both a third grader and a fifth grader at any school of our choice. She kept asking me, "Can`t you just move over here four months earlier?" This made me realize what kind of odds we were up against.
I also looked into Catholic schools, and visited the two closest to the house we would be renting.
The first one had 2 classes of over 30 kids in each grade and no foreign language program. It was farther away, in a more upscale part of the neighborhood, and looked very, um....white. When I asked if they had any remedial programs for kids behind in English, they told me they couldn`t accept our kids at all, if they weren`t up to grade level. So I scratched that one.
Then I visited the school in our parish, a few blocks away from our future house. It had only one class of 25 kids or fewer in each grade, and a Spanish language program. It was in a traditionally working-class neighborhood, and had a very diverse student body. The school administrators told me they would be happy to accept two kids who were behind grade level in English, and would do their best to help them acclimate. Big Son has had some problems adjusting, but overall, I would say they have.
As for the religious aspect, I want to teach my kids about the religion in which I was raised. Hub isn`t wild about it -- it makes him a little uncomfortable, but he doesn`t oppose it, either.
I feel so bad for your little guy that he has had to change countries, languages, cultures and schools. Now it seems like he is caught between religious beliefs as well.
He always was. This is nothing new in our life. It`s all part of growing up in an interracial, interfaith, international, bilingual family. We`re not the first family to be in our situation, and I`m sure we won`t be the last.
And thanks to H. and everyone else who`s been concerned for our little guy -- he`s been doing much better lately. He`s decided he`s an athiest because God doesn`t make logical sense to him, but I decided exactly the same thing when I was his age, so he`s right on schedule.
You seem to have your own issues with the Church and seem to be fighting your own religious wars, so I wonder why you would put your little ones on the *front lines* in a religious school?
I`ve blogged about why I left the Church, as well as what prompted me to decide to raise the kids Catholic after all. As for "fighting" my own "religious wars," I`ve never thought of it that way. My internal back-and-forth is more like a friendly spiritual arm-wrestling match. "Front lines" implies some sort of battleground for my kids` souls, which doesn`t describe our particular school. It is certainly a Catholic school -- make no mistake about that. But it welcomes students from all different backgrounds, from families running the gamut from devout to "cafeteria." And about a fifth of the students aren`t Catholic at all.
I have to wonder if part of the problem isn't the disdain you seem to have for Church teaching?
Sorry if it seems like "disdain" to you -- I`m a natural smart-ass, so I`m sure it does come off this way sometimes. I have great respect for the Church`s teachings, even several with which I do dissent. Remember -- I was Catholic before I was anything else. Long before I was a feminist or an environmentalist or a free-trade and free speech fanatic, I was a newborn baby in a white lacy gown, getting water splashed on my forehead.
Since I learned the Catholic point of view first, it became the lense through which I saw everything else. Some of my later views are in direct contradiction to Catholic doctrine, and I don`t attempt to reconcile them, as some other people do. For instance, is it possible to be a good Catholic, and not be pro-life? I`m not sure. Since I`m not pro-life, I have to accept that this means I might never be a good Catholic.
You have said that your husband is not supportive at all about their religious education. I don't want to sound hard, but I do have some real concerns about your situation if you don't all get on the same page somehow.
Not only are Hub and I not on the same page -- we aren`t even browsing in the same bookstore, and I don`t think we ever will be.
Yes, it`s true that Hub is a little freaked out by Christianity in general, because his only early exposure to them was comprised of earnest young missionaries looking for converts. He has a bit of a "church allergy" -- he has accompanied me to mass exactly once since we moved here, and as soon as it was over, he ran away as soon as he could, like a vampire from garlic.
Racial, cultural, and religous consistency within a family is great, because it makes everything very simple. But you know, sometimes, people from totally different worlds meet and mate. It is our particular challenge -- and responsibility -- to make sure our offspring are exposed to the best of both our worlds, not the worst.
We`re taking it all day by day. How else can we approach it?
Okay, I`m off to church now -- alone. I could probably make everything a little easier by staying home, and never going at all. It would sure be consistent -- but would it be better?
I have to ask why you have put your children in a Catholic school? I feel so bad for your little guy that he has had to change countries, languages, cultures and schools. Now it seems like he is caught between religious beliefs as well. I have been following your posts on standupandspeakout. You seem to have your own issues with the Church and seem to be fighting your own religious wars, so I wonder why you would put your little ones on the *front lines* in a religious school? I have to wonder if part of the problem isn't the disdain you seem to have for Church teaching? Plus, you have said that your husband is not supportive at all about their religious education. I don't want to sound hard, but I do have some real concerns about your situation if you don't all get on the same page somehow. It is something to think about...
Excellent questions, H. !
I`ve answered many of them on this blog before, but it`s about time I answered them all in one place and put it over there under, "About This Blog."
In order:
I have to ask why you have put your children in a Catholic school?
Long story here. When we were preparing to move to San Francisco from Tokyo, we had to make a lot of quick decisions about where to live, and where to educate the kids. After some discussion about moving to San Mateo, where Hub`s predecessor lived, we decided to live in the city instead, for exactly the same reasons we lived in the center of Tokyo: our love of urbanity, and convenience.
We wanted to put our children in a school that resembled their wonderful neighborhood public school in Tokyo, which was 1) very small; 2) had cultural, ethnic and socioeconomic diversity; and 3) had a close community of involved, committed parents. We also preferred that our kids attend a school within walking distance of where we would be living, to strengthen our ties in our neighborhood.
We looked into public schools, but San Francisco has a convoluted lottery system. Our move was planned for July, by which time it would be "open enrollment," meaning we`d have to scurry for places that remained after all the rounds of the lottery were complete. A very nice counselor at the Unified School District`s Educational Placement Center told me they couldn`t guarantee to place both a third grader and a fifth grader at any school of our choice. She kept asking me, "Can`t you just move over here four months earlier?" This made me realize what kind of odds we were up against.
I also looked into Catholic schools, and visited the two closest to the house we would be renting.
The first one had 2 classes of over 30 kids in each grade and no foreign language program. It was farther away, in a more upscale part of the neighborhood, and looked very, um....white. When I asked if they had any remedial programs for kids behind in English, they told me they couldn`t accept our kids at all, if they weren`t up to grade level. So I scratched that one.
Then I visited the school in our parish, a few blocks away from our future house. It had only one class of 25 kids or fewer in each grade, and a Spanish language program. It was in a traditionally working-class neighborhood, and had a very diverse student body. The school administrators told me they would be happy to accept two kids who were behind grade level in English, and would do their best to help them acclimate. Big Son has had some problems adjusting, but overall, I would say they have.
As for the religious aspect, I want to teach my kids about the religion in which I was raised. Hub isn`t wild about it -- it makes him a little uncomfortable, but he doesn`t oppose it, either.
I feel so bad for your little guy that he has had to change countries, languages, cultures and schools. Now it seems like he is caught between religious beliefs as well.
He always was. This is nothing new in our life. It`s all part of growing up in an interracial, interfaith, international, bilingual family. We`re not the first family to be in our situation, and I`m sure we won`t be the last.
And thanks to H. and everyone else who`s been concerned for our little guy -- he`s been doing much better lately. He`s decided he`s an athiest because God doesn`t make logical sense to him, but I decided exactly the same thing when I was his age, so he`s right on schedule.
You seem to have your own issues with the Church and seem to be fighting your own religious wars, so I wonder why you would put your little ones on the *front lines* in a religious school?
I`ve blogged about why I left the Church, as well as what prompted me to decide to raise the kids Catholic after all. As for "fighting" my own "religious wars," I`ve never thought of it that way. My internal back-and-forth is more like a friendly spiritual arm-wrestling match. "Front lines" implies some sort of battleground for my kids` souls, which doesn`t describe our particular school. It is certainly a Catholic school -- make no mistake about that. But it welcomes students from all different backgrounds, from families running the gamut from devout to "cafeteria." And about a fifth of the students aren`t Catholic at all.
I have to wonder if part of the problem isn't the disdain you seem to have for Church teaching?
Sorry if it seems like "disdain" to you -- I`m a natural smart-ass, so I`m sure it does come off this way sometimes. I have great respect for the Church`s teachings, even several with which I do dissent. Remember -- I was Catholic before I was anything else. Long before I was a feminist or an environmentalist or a free-trade and free speech fanatic, I was a newborn baby in a white lacy gown, getting water splashed on my forehead.
Since I learned the Catholic point of view first, it became the lense through which I saw everything else. Some of my later views are in direct contradiction to Catholic doctrine, and I don`t attempt to reconcile them, as some other people do. For instance, is it possible to be a good Catholic, and not be pro-life? I`m not sure. Since I`m not pro-life, I have to accept that this means I might never be a good Catholic.
You have said that your husband is not supportive at all about their religious education. I don't want to sound hard, but I do have some real concerns about your situation if you don't all get on the same page somehow.
Not only are Hub and I not on the same page -- we aren`t even browsing in the same bookstore, and I don`t think we ever will be.
Yes, it`s true that Hub is a little freaked out by Christianity in general, because his only early exposure to them was comprised of earnest young missionaries looking for converts. He has a bit of a "church allergy" -- he has accompanied me to mass exactly once since we moved here, and as soon as it was over, he ran away as soon as he could, like a vampire from garlic.
Racial, cultural, and religous consistency within a family is great, because it makes everything very simple. But you know, sometimes, people from totally different worlds meet and mate. It is our particular challenge -- and responsibility -- to make sure our offspring are exposed to the best of both our worlds, not the worst.
We`re taking it all day by day. How else can we approach it?
Okay, I`m off to church now -- alone. I could probably make everything a little easier by staying home, and never going at all. It would sure be consistent -- but would it be better?
posted by L. at 9:34 AM
16 Comments:
I find the way you approach your spiritual heritage fascinating. It's intelligent, considered, and displays integrity. I'm not sure if "racial, cultural, and religious consistency within a family is ideal". (Not that there's anything wrong with such consistency, she hastens to assure all those consistent families out there.)
The family in which you are raising your children is certainly more complicated than a single-culture family, and possibly at times more confusing for them, but it is also undoubtedly richer.
I think we're multi just about everything and somehow it works out.
Ray is spending most of his time over at my church and almost none at his. And I didn't nag. Strange how things sort themselves out sometimes.
Being Catholic is defintiely a multi-layered consept. My mate is an ex-Mormon who now claims to be an aetheist. He has come to the children's Baptisms and First Communions but prefers to spend his Sunday mornings slumbering in bed. I can't blame him. I don't agree with all of the church either. But as you said, before I was anything, I too, was dressed in that white gown and having water sprinkeld on my forehead. I find a comfort in the fact that every Sunday in nearly every city around the world the same Mass is being said. In a life where stability and consistency are not a given, the same 52 Sundays, same traditions and even the same constraints are sometimes a much needed comfort.
I will sound unreservedly bitter for a moment here.. Count yourself lucky to find a parish wherein you can park your cafeteria ass every Sunday. Not me!
When I returned to what I thought was my parish to have my daughter baptised me and p-man got the third degree. Basically, I was told by the priest there now -- not the one who married us... I needed to get way more catholic. Maybe I should take CFA, and what about p-man, they gave him a pass but then he didn't take up the membership??
This Father is really good at telling you what he likes and doesn't ... his Pharisee sermons are top 10! He would rather have 10 'real catholics' in the church every Sunday than 40 or 50 by topping up with my kind. It has been a very painful thing for me. I guess I had to ask... If it can be so clear my family is 'not good enough' why do I want this? Add, to this that I grew up in a family where all my Dad could ever do with his Protestant butt every Easter was whisper to me -- Hey, Padre, your purse is on fire! ... I don't want that for e.
It doesn't seem to matter to me how many times my Mom gets her nose up and says.. Listen he is a man, he is not the church; all that exclusion wells up and I'm paralysed. So I have languished on the fringes for a year or so. Gone to church a few times... Took communion even at Auntie's funeral despite the fact I have not seen a confessional in about 3 years. By the way.. Father really hates when people say TAKE communion.. sort of like I hate when he explains church membership.
Aimlessly ending.. I remain as always, thankful for the outlet opportunity! Peace be with you.
L, Thank you for sharing your *life story* so far. I'll be watching to see how things go. As I read your story, it occurred to me just why it interested me so much. My son is married to a Taiwanese girl and they have a bi-lingual toddler. Your family is very much like theirs. I would give anything to have their child go to a Catholic school someday! Your husband and my daughter-in-law have the very same backgrounds. I pray that my son will someday be drawn back to the faith he grew up in, and that our granddaughter will be raised in the Church. I became Catholic at age 30. In my 30 years as a Catholic since then, I have been all over the map as a cafeteria Catholic. (A lot of that does work itself out in time with prayer and age...) It is just part of the process of faith development. By now, at age 60, I am pretty much on-board with all of it and am soooo glad for that gift of faith. I just want to encourage you to continue going to Mass. It can't be easy to go by yourself so God MUST be calling you! None of us can know how our own life stories will work out, much less the life stories of our spouses, children or others. We might never know what our faithful witness and sacrifices will mean for another. At the very least, a home-sick mom will certainly find comfort and quiet to restore herself inside the building of the Church. Does your parish offer Adoration time?
God bless you and your family!
L, you may be Catholic, but you are about as laid-back a one as I have encountered since my days working for the Sisters of Mercy. You are probably in the right place, SF, where the church has surely had to accommodate itself to the community.
But how does the fact that you are excommunicated (you are, right?) play in to your attendance at mass? Are you allowed the confessional? Are they welcoming of you?
Getting off topic a bit: You have mentioned previously that you are pretty-much a free trade fan. Are you a laissez-faireist libertarian or something, or are your leanings more toward international stuff? Tarriffs and such?
Thanks, H. Our church indeed does have adoration time.
And VMC, a regular commenter here who happens to be a priest said it`s more proper to call myself a "noncommunicant" rather than an "excommunicant," because no one actually cast me out. Since I don`t receive communion or go to confession, whether I`m eligible is a non-issue for me.
And everyone is welcome at mass, no matter what their status. Even non-Catholics are welcome, too.
(Yes, I`m a international free trade fanatic -- I`m not a Republican, but most of the Democrats` protectionist policies have mortified me for years.)
Mo-wo, I`ll do a follow-up post with the story of my first unsucessful baptize-the-baby attempt.
Oh, and Mary P., I took out the word "ideal" and changed it to "great." You`re right -- it sounded as if I`m implying my family is less than "ideal."
This week I really learned my lesson about watching what I say when I blog about my family!
Hi. I am the commenter who is a priest. E-mails are welcome for questions (or rants).
I am working on a post to discuss what excommunication is and what it is not. (And why it is rather impractical with the current state of the Church in America.)
My mother converted to catholicism on her 18th birthday; she had been sneaking out of the house early to go to mass for some time. She had grown up methodist. Later on, she tried a whole host of different religions, settling on Russian Orthodoxy a few years before she died -- she had finally found a religion oppressive enough for her.
My father was Jewish. Sort of a repressed Jew. We grew up catholic. (In French, no less.) Our job was to nudge dad if he started to snore during mass. I can twiddle my thumbs forwards, backwards, and in opposite directions. As a very young boy, I didn't understand why, since we were catholic, someone would paint swastikas on our garage.
I came to the same conclusion as Big Son, but it took me a lot longer, and I'm more adamant about it.
L.,
I admire your honest regarding your journey in the Faith. The typical "cafeteria Catholic" I encounter dissents from important doctrines and claims they're still Faithful Catholics. You wonder how Catholic you truly are in light of your dissent from such doctrines.
Your commitment to baptize your children and raise them Catholic--and attend Mass--strike me as the response of a person to an invitation. Keep accepting that invitation. Who knows? You might wind up more Catholic than the Pope! ;)
Holy Fool, I think God`s plan is to keep a certain number of "cafeteria Catholics" around, just to make the rest of you feel better.
L.,
LOL!
We don't need "cafeteria Catholics" around to feel better. Besides, what makes you think that God's plan involves only his action? We human beings have free will, after all. As long as that's so, they'll always be stragglers wondering if they should enter the reception.
And blowhards that sound off about how awful the Bride looks! ;)
I was Catholic before I was anything else. Long before I was a feminist or an environmentalist or a free-trade and free speech fanatic, I was a newborn baby in a white lacy gown, getting water splashed on my forehead.
Since when are environmentalism, free-trade or free-speech opposed to Catholic thought?
Anon, I didn`t say they were all opposed to Catholic thought, and didn`t mean to imply it -- I just said I was Catholic before I was anything else, which is cetainly true. And feminism isn`t opposed to Catholic thought, either -- some feminists are nuns.
Bravo, L., for everything that you have said here and in your comments. there's too much here for me, noncommunicant and confused Catholic that I am, to address, but I wanted to say that I totally relate (like, totally) and that if and when I write more on my religious confusion I will be referring back here.
Post a Comment
<< Home