Calling all blog friends -- suggestions, please.
What does everyone think of this? We tried to end this on a positive note, but damn -- it wasn`t easy.
Dear Huggy Nun,
Earlier today, my Big Son said he misbehaved in your class. Specifically, he said you told him to stand in the back of the room “forever,” and when you asked him to sit down again, he said no, because he was going to stay there “forever” as you had said. Apparently, he also forgot his reading book every day this week.
According to Big Son, you wrote some sort of note to my wife today, presumably about his misbehavior. You then did something odd – instead of giving it to Big Son, you asked for a class volunteer to deliver it. O. volunteered, and said he was coming to Big Son's house after school. This was not true – O. had no such plans. He has been to our house before, but hasn’t come in several months, since Big Son began entirely withdrawing from all of the other boys in his class. Perhaps O. just wanted to gain your favor by volunteering to serve as your messenger? I can only guess at his motives.
In any case, my wife was quite surprised when she went to pick up the kids at school today, and heard all about Big Son’s misbehavior from O. But O. did not pass her any note – if in fact you gave him something to give to her, we did not receive it.
I would like to know, why are you involving a 10-year old in the discipline of another 10-year old? Why did you ask one of my son’s classmates to deliver such a message to my wife? This wasn’t just a message about a class project or assignment, but one about my son’s behavioral problems. I think that was highly inappropriate for you to ask another boy to do this. I am a Buddhist, not a Catholic, so I have to ask, is this the normal way a Catholic school handles such problems?
You also keep telling my wife that you think Big Son’s behavior is due to his being “spoiled” at home. Let me assure you, our son is not “spoiled.” I would never allow anyone to “spoil” my sons. Many days, Big Son comes home from school and cries. As recently as early December, Big Son was beginning to like his new school, and was making friends, but now he prefers to be alone in his room, or play only with his younger brother. All he talks about is how much he wants to go home to Japan. He is not “spoiled” – he is depressed and lonely, and he is only 10 years old and does not realize his misbehavior in your class just makes his own difficult situation worse.
I originally opposed my wife’s decision to place our children in a Catholic school, and I now regret I permitted it. Our children are behind in reading English, and I thought they could receive better specialized ESL reading help in the public school system. This was supposed to be our children’s “catch-up” year in English language instruction, but I fear Big Son will fall even further behind his classmates because his problems have begun to interfere with his learning. He seems to spend a significant portion of his class time either in the back of the room, or sitting out in the hallway.
Therefore, I would like to request a conference with you and Mr. Principal and Big Son’s counselor, as soon as possible, to discuss ways in which we can all work together to help Big Son overcome his problems.
Respectfully,
Hub, Big Son`s father
cc: Mr. Principal
Dear Huggy Nun,
Earlier today, my Big Son said he misbehaved in your class. Specifically, he said you told him to stand in the back of the room “forever,” and when you asked him to sit down again, he said no, because he was going to stay there “forever” as you had said. Apparently, he also forgot his reading book every day this week.
According to Big Son, you wrote some sort of note to my wife today, presumably about his misbehavior. You then did something odd – instead of giving it to Big Son, you asked for a class volunteer to deliver it. O. volunteered, and said he was coming to Big Son's house after school. This was not true – O. had no such plans. He has been to our house before, but hasn’t come in several months, since Big Son began entirely withdrawing from all of the other boys in his class. Perhaps O. just wanted to gain your favor by volunteering to serve as your messenger? I can only guess at his motives.
In any case, my wife was quite surprised when she went to pick up the kids at school today, and heard all about Big Son’s misbehavior from O. But O. did not pass her any note – if in fact you gave him something to give to her, we did not receive it.
I would like to know, why are you involving a 10-year old in the discipline of another 10-year old? Why did you ask one of my son’s classmates to deliver such a message to my wife? This wasn’t just a message about a class project or assignment, but one about my son’s behavioral problems. I think that was highly inappropriate for you to ask another boy to do this. I am a Buddhist, not a Catholic, so I have to ask, is this the normal way a Catholic school handles such problems?
You also keep telling my wife that you think Big Son’s behavior is due to his being “spoiled” at home. Let me assure you, our son is not “spoiled.” I would never allow anyone to “spoil” my sons. Many days, Big Son comes home from school and cries. As recently as early December, Big Son was beginning to like his new school, and was making friends, but now he prefers to be alone in his room, or play only with his younger brother. All he talks about is how much he wants to go home to Japan. He is not “spoiled” – he is depressed and lonely, and he is only 10 years old and does not realize his misbehavior in your class just makes his own difficult situation worse.
I originally opposed my wife’s decision to place our children in a Catholic school, and I now regret I permitted it. Our children are behind in reading English, and I thought they could receive better specialized ESL reading help in the public school system. This was supposed to be our children’s “catch-up” year in English language instruction, but I fear Big Son will fall even further behind his classmates because his problems have begun to interfere with his learning. He seems to spend a significant portion of his class time either in the back of the room, or sitting out in the hallway.
Therefore, I would like to request a conference with you and Mr. Principal and Big Son’s counselor, as soon as possible, to discuss ways in which we can all work together to help Big Son overcome his problems.
Respectfully,
Hub, Big Son`s father
cc: Mr. Principal
posted by L. at 8:08 PM
27 Comments:
It's great. Seriously, I'm impressed with your husband's sense of restraint. I actually read your previous post a few hours ago but refrained from commenting because the huggy nun stories seem to really get to me. I get so infuriated hearing this woman's approach to teaching and my blood starts boiling. Does this woman have NO experience dealing with the vast diaspora of children's personalities? That being said, I think this letter is a good mitgating first step to approaching the situation. As a former diplomat, I think this letter would be approrpiately diplomatic. (Of course, if this doesn't work, then I would speak softly and carry a big stick)
Good luck with everything. Hope it all works out.
Good for him. Bad as I hate to say it, maybe this woman just won't listen to another woman. She isn't hearing a word you're saying.
It sounds very like something I would write (and have written).
L. and Hub, that looks like a very good letter.
Consider going further. The Archdiocese does have a Department of Catholic Schools and a Superintendant. I don't know what authority they have over St.F.B. but it might be worth at least making an inquiry.
http://www.sfcatholicschools.org/
I have to admit that I am impressed with Hub. Impressed that he recognizes the complexity of Big Son's "issues", and impressed that he is willing and able to step forward to deal with Big Son's schooling problems, whatever they may be.
I really feel for Big Son. I'm not excusing his behavior, but I do so very much feel for him. Life is tough enough at that age, much less dealing with an extreme culture shock, the seemingly insane structure of Catholicism, and the incredibly limited viewpoint of Huggy Nun.
I'll be thinking about you all.
when i was ten, my family moved across the country. in the fifth grade i was happy, popular and loved to go to school; though admitly, i was (and still am) a scatter-brain and would often forget to do assignments, or do them and leave them at home.
in the sixth grade, i was teased (about my name, about having no friends, about my accent), and my teacher seemed to have no sympathy for me, often punishing me for little things in front of my classmates--my tormentors. she didn't pick on me only, but i think she knew that i was not liked and punishing me for little things (forgetting homework, laughing at another's antics) only gave my classmates more fuel for the fire.
the thing is, although i was very unhappy, my parents didn't notice at all. i really feel that my self-esteem was completely destroyed and i still haven't fully recovered. good for you and your husband for finding ways to work with your son, with his school and his teachers to help him with his transition. i think this is an excellent letter and i hope that a positve solution is found soon.
(sorry this is such a long response.)
As a school board employee I would rate this in the 85th percentile for an inter-pedagogue communications strategy.
I think it is adequately blunt to actually get about 15% of your message through. This is good.
I would send a carbon copy to the principle and place
c.c. principle
at the end.
black mail her into acting.
I would also start being a little more forceful with the principle. He has been supportive to you but has still allowed huggy nun to do as she pleases.
good luck.
You also keep telling my wife that you think Big Son’s behavior is due to his being “spoiled” at home. Let me assure you, our son is not “spoiled.” I would never allow anyone to “spoil” my sons.
I would also add:
I also take offence to anyone occusing me of spoiling my child and being a poor parent.
Oh, God. I missed the previous post about this happening.
Please take your son out of this school.
There is nothing you can do to make Huggy Nun stop hating your son and treating him like a little turd.
This is going to stick with him for years and years if you guys don't stop it now.
The letter is great but I really wish your husband would go over to the school with a baseball bat.
Sorry to get all histrionic about this, but I've been in your son's place, and it takes years to dig out of the emotional setback, even with parents who get you out of the bad situation immediately and let you talk about it as much as you need to.
I'm with Moxie. I would home school him for the rest of the year if you can't get him in a decent program pronto. It just doesn't seem worth sticking it out.
Less dramatically, is there another 4th grade class? Could you move him there? I'm sure you've thought of that, so obviously there isn't.
I know he has said he wants to stick this out, and I admire him for it, but sometimes it's important to know when to cut your losses and write it up to a bad experience.
Great letter, by the way. Amazing stuff.
The letter is great. I can practically see your husband putting on his suit and straightening his tie to stomp on in there.
That teacher is UNBELIEVABLE. I can't believe she involved another kid, especially considering how much communication you have already had with her.
I hope it gets easier for your son. It must be hard to see him hurting.
Sic 'em!
(Great letter -- not a lot o'time to comment)
Personally, I would NOT remove him from the school -- my cousin jerked her 10-yr old out of St C for very similar probs; this year he's in a new school (St R's; like me, she's hung up on the superiority of a Catholic school education) -- & while everything started out great, it's now deteriorated to Same Ol', Same Ol'.
Gotta make a stand, make the best of things [insert metaphor here]. If you want here more of the story, or get more free advice pulled out of my ass, email me!
luv, Val
You guys have done all you can.
She sounds like she is at a place where things won't change until she believes they should.
I hate it when they start with "this is the worst student I've ever had" -such a sad cop out.
Let's find blame not real solutions.
The letter is pretty good and a lot nicer than I would be.
Mind you, I have been there and done that.
I would also be tap dancing up one side of the principal and down the other - well, maybe -your principal has sounded like he is doing a fairly good job already but I would want my kid out of that class.
Involving the other children?
Unforgiveable and pathetic. The teacher we had to deal with did that too and involved the other parents - it was disgusting and horrible.
There is such a thing as professional ethics and this crosses all those lines.
I'm praying for Big Son, you and Hub. Hang in there L. There is a light at the end of this long tunnel.
I think that letter says just what you need to say, without being offensive- it's important that Big Son get the best education possible, especially since he's behind in English language, but Huggy Nun is doing nothing to facilitate that and that problem needs to be addressed immediately.
well written and hits the mark. looking forward to what comes of the meeting.
my thoughts and prayers are with you...
I do not thing the tone of the letter is inappropriate given the circumstances. I would make sure that you have some sort of confirmation that the nun did in fact involve the little classmate, however. 10 year olds are pretty subjective little filters of reality.
Not sure its worth it, though. This particular classroom sounds like crap to me, L. You are spending so much time dealing with the needless crises coming out of the place ... Isn't the point of school to learn? I think HN is running a bad shop, personally.
Holy, I can't believe what you and your son are putting up with.
I've mentioned before that I'm a teacher (of your son's age group and above)...and I've been around some pretty intransigent, mean teachers but never have I worked with one as stubborn and passive aggressive as HN. She calls YOUR SON stubborn??? Hello. She is refusing to solve any problems.
Her use of other students to communicate with you is also appalling.
My advice--Keep a record of everything that happens / has happened in the class so far (according to big son, of course), then during the conference with the principal go through each problem point by point. Give HN a chance to explain, which I'm sure will be tough on you, but you've shown how restrained you can be. After she's "excused" herself, then insist on finding a solution for each situation that benefits both your son and her. Show what didn't/doesn't work and why and find some common ground. Make sure the principal backs you up.
I'd also insist on a book in which the two of you can write messages to each other about the day's events. Kind of like an assignment book.
And get your son involved in how he is going to cope with HN this year. The 5 of you (you, hubby, son, HN and principal) can agree on some benchmarks or goals together. Decide on consequences and rewards together. Let your son decide have a say too.
But--I also worry that regardless of what is discussed, HN won't change at all...so all this advice is probably for naught.
In which case, bite her ankles or let that werewolf of a son do it.
Good luck. I really despair for you.
PS It sounds like your son has quite the sarcastic streak. Impressed that he was able to use "forever" against HN--but I can also see how that would set her off. She's an idiot to have told him to stand in the corner forever in the first place. How long has she been teaching???? Never ever give kids any amunition. Duh. First lesson in classroom management.
Unfortunatley the letter will probably mean nothing to Huggy Nun. I am sure she has had worse letters before. I have realized from reading your blog that this is her teaching style, to isolate one child and scapegoat him as an example to the rest of the class. I don't think she is capable of changing either. She probably doesn't even realize what she is doing. That's why they are getting rid of her. I am sure she does this repeatedly. It is her nature.
If you continue to stick with her class it might make you feel better to find the family of the kid she did it to last year or the year before last. Invite them over to dinner and commiserate with them. Have a couple of drinks and make fun of her ruthlessly behind her back. It would be fun, it wouldn't be a very christian thing to do but it would feel so good. That might be your only recourse. You are not alone with this nun. There are other families out that there that she has done this to. She is a repeat offender and incapable of change. Here is a bad example, a crazy person doesn't realize they are crazy they think the rest of the world is just out to get them. You wouldn't go up to the lunatic and try to convince them they are crazy you would evade them. She can't even comprehend the error of her ways. They are getting rid of her because they school realizes they can't change her. Some other family probably made a bigger issue out her then you. I don't know what I would do maybe change to a different class. I don't think you can fix her. Or at the very least try and find another mom that has had the same problem with her too and you guys a can make fun of her. Also, I think the letter is to the point and you should send it. Good luck. Keep us updated. As you can tell from this post, I am very involved in the whole thing now.
Duh, hadn't seen the earlier post with the details of your confirmation of the HN's acts. Sorry. Letter seems perfectly approriate under the circumstances.
I still think it's a waste of time, though. The nun has got to go. Trust me, a bad teacher can wreck a kid for school.
First hand experience.
I was going to comment yesterday but I couldn't find the right note. I have no idea whether I can suggest what you can do in this situation so I will seize on the opportunity to talk about ME!
I was, for a few years, the worst student a number of teachers had. I was expelled from my first school and was sent to a catholic school. We didn't have nuns, we had 'brothers.' Corporal punishment was the norm. That and other methods of punishment and punishment by humiliation. I was, in the defence of the teachers, extremely disruptive. Pathological. By the time I left that school, I was rather angry for quite some time. What's the time?
This all to say I wish you well in your efforts. Regardless of the outcome, I think as long as your son is aware you guys love him and are prepared to do this for him he will be reasonably secure, or something. I think it's great you are making the effort, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Bad habits are hard to break. Hotcha!
My heart goes out to you all. Especially Big Son. I actually hope for the almost impossible .. maybe they will see the error of their ways and remove HN NOW. And get any other teacher in there. Impossible, I know. But one can hope.
My heart goes out to you and Big Son. I am totally with Metrodad's idea of the big stick!
Good for you and good for him. I am so angry on behalf of your son I can barely speak. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
I am now after reading more below even MORE angry on your son's behalf. I wish....... I wish he was old enough to only take the class that he enjoys taking..... All this bit about a well rounded education just never made sense if a child is bright, alret and active. I was homesick for 3 yrs as a child when my family picked up and moved.......I was 9 when it happened..... it hurt alot and when grown ups who I believed were good people just because they were grown ups were mean because I was "diffcult" it really didn't help the hurt one bit.
I think the letter is marvelously restrained. I don't know that I would have been that nice.
Woohoo! You go hub!
Remember, anytime a child stops liking school, the teacher has failed completely. This teacher needs to be put in her place -- it is not her classroom, but Big Son's -- she is just his employee, and a piss-poor one at that.
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