My Inner Bear Instincts Awaken...
Big Son stayed home again yesterday even though he felt a little better and probably would have gone to school if I had made him. I brought all of his school books home so he could keep up with his work.
As he was doing his math homework, he looked up at me and smiled and said, "Math is my friend!" It was one of those moments I wanted to freeze-dry and preserve forever.
I got his report card yesterday, and math is indeed his friend -- he got an A, and also maintained his A in handwriting. But alas, math and handwriting are mighty lonely -- none of his other subjects even came close. He got all C`s, and a D in his dreaded Social Studies, and "unacceptable" marks in both conduct and effort. With these grades, his chances of transferring to another school are just about nil.
His counselor, though, says she thinks we "need to start thinking of alternatives." And this is not an outside counselor -- he meets with her at school, through an Archdiocese-sponsored program. She has observed him in the classroom, and has also spoken with Huggy Nun -- and she is all but telling me that she thinks the situation is hopeless. "That nun is never going to change. She sees your son only as a discipline problem, and will never recognize any of his other problems," she said.
The principal, of course, is concerned, and has told me he will start tutoring Big Son in his office whenever he has a problem with Huggy Nun. He will also start coaching Big Son in Social Studies, because, as he said, Big Son "is capable of understanding the concepts, but just needs extra help with the reading and new vocabulary." Okay, I said. Big Son likes the principal, so this might be exactly what he needs.
But overall, Big Son says he no longer wants to go to school, and is begging me to teach him at home instead. Hub absolutely opposes all homeschooling and is dead-set against this. Unless Hub is on board, it`s not a real option. This is too bad, because we`re in a city with great resources and groups for homeschooled kids. The people whose house we`re renting homeschooled their daughter, and I`m sure they`d be happy to make introductions.
One of Hub`s main objections is a valid one, though. Big Son excels in math, which is a subject in which Hub and I both fell short. I admit it -- it`s all I can do to stay on top of the fifth-grade homework.
And our Catholic school has a kick-ass math teacher. In the beginning of the year, she and Big Son didn`t hit it off at all, because she`s very strict and, unlike the nuns, she yells a lot. She puts up with no misbehavior, and doesn`t suffer excuses for not doing homework. She`s rumored to be an ex-nun -- she graduated from the same university in the Philippines from which all the nuns did, though she`s much younger than they are. I think she`s around my age. She has completely won Big Son over, for which I am profoundly grateful. If he stays at this school, she would continue to be his math teacher.
The principal has also assured me that next year, Big Son would have the current sixth grade teacher, a young man who seems to be popular and respected by the students. Big Son would almost definitely have a very different experience.
I`m also thinking that I don`t want to send Big Son the message that it`s okay to quit school if you have a bad teacher. Alas, life has its share of bad teachers -- and then bosses -- and an important and necessary lesson is learning to deal with them. Sometimes, you can make a bad situation better, sometimes you do need to remove yourself from the situation, but sometimes the best thing you can do is switch into survival mode and learn to get through hard times.
In recent months, Huggy Nun and I had a little routine we would go through whenever we met.
Sometimes Big Son would have a "good" day, and she would write a note for him to take home to show me, that said, "Excellent job!"
But other times, she would walk up to me and sigh deeply.
"He`s just not trying. He can do the work, but he`s just not trying."
"He IS trying. He is having a very hard time. Thank you for doing all you can to help him," I would say.
"We must pray that he gets through this," she would say.
"He is trying very hard. He`s very upset. He misses his home. Thank you for doing all you can," I would say.
My conversation with her yesterday, however, included some new phrases.
"He`s just not trying. He can do the work, but he`s just not trying. If you let him get away with this behavior, he will be even worse in a few years when he`s a teenager."
"He IS trying very hard. He`s very upset. He misses his home. Thank you for doing all you can, but it`s clearly not working. You need to try something else -- what you`re doing to him is making him worse."
"We must pray that he gets through this."
"Yes -- just four more months!" I said, thinking, and we`re counting down.
"Oh, yes! Just four more months! Not long at all!" said Huggy Nun, no doubt thinking, and I`m counting down, too.
She looked as if she were about to hug me, but I had Big Son`s books in one hand and my bag in the other, and I stuck my elbows out and made myself as pointy and un-huggable as I could.
So she patted me instead. She`s not tall enough to reach my head, so she patted my collarbone. And all the while, I was thinking about the words I had just said to her -- It`s clearly not working. You need to try something else.
Maybe I need to follow my own words. Maybe my polite restraint that usually works so well is the wrong approach with Huggy Nun.
Maybe it`s time to be a Mama Bear, and growl, "Leave my cub alone."
As he was doing his math homework, he looked up at me and smiled and said, "Math is my friend!" It was one of those moments I wanted to freeze-dry and preserve forever.
I got his report card yesterday, and math is indeed his friend -- he got an A, and also maintained his A in handwriting. But alas, math and handwriting are mighty lonely -- none of his other subjects even came close. He got all C`s, and a D in his dreaded Social Studies, and "unacceptable" marks in both conduct and effort. With these grades, his chances of transferring to another school are just about nil.
His counselor, though, says she thinks we "need to start thinking of alternatives." And this is not an outside counselor -- he meets with her at school, through an Archdiocese-sponsored program. She has observed him in the classroom, and has also spoken with Huggy Nun -- and she is all but telling me that she thinks the situation is hopeless. "That nun is never going to change. She sees your son only as a discipline problem, and will never recognize any of his other problems," she said.
The principal, of course, is concerned, and has told me he will start tutoring Big Son in his office whenever he has a problem with Huggy Nun. He will also start coaching Big Son in Social Studies, because, as he said, Big Son "is capable of understanding the concepts, but just needs extra help with the reading and new vocabulary." Okay, I said. Big Son likes the principal, so this might be exactly what he needs.
But overall, Big Son says he no longer wants to go to school, and is begging me to teach him at home instead. Hub absolutely opposes all homeschooling and is dead-set against this. Unless Hub is on board, it`s not a real option. This is too bad, because we`re in a city with great resources and groups for homeschooled kids. The people whose house we`re renting homeschooled their daughter, and I`m sure they`d be happy to make introductions.
One of Hub`s main objections is a valid one, though. Big Son excels in math, which is a subject in which Hub and I both fell short. I admit it -- it`s all I can do to stay on top of the fifth-grade homework.
And our Catholic school has a kick-ass math teacher. In the beginning of the year, she and Big Son didn`t hit it off at all, because she`s very strict and, unlike the nuns, she yells a lot. She puts up with no misbehavior, and doesn`t suffer excuses for not doing homework. She`s rumored to be an ex-nun -- she graduated from the same university in the Philippines from which all the nuns did, though she`s much younger than they are. I think she`s around my age. She has completely won Big Son over, for which I am profoundly grateful. If he stays at this school, she would continue to be his math teacher.
The principal has also assured me that next year, Big Son would have the current sixth grade teacher, a young man who seems to be popular and respected by the students. Big Son would almost definitely have a very different experience.
I`m also thinking that I don`t want to send Big Son the message that it`s okay to quit school if you have a bad teacher. Alas, life has its share of bad teachers -- and then bosses -- and an important and necessary lesson is learning to deal with them. Sometimes, you can make a bad situation better, sometimes you do need to remove yourself from the situation, but sometimes the best thing you can do is switch into survival mode and learn to get through hard times.
In recent months, Huggy Nun and I had a little routine we would go through whenever we met.
Sometimes Big Son would have a "good" day, and she would write a note for him to take home to show me, that said, "Excellent job!"
But other times, she would walk up to me and sigh deeply.
"He`s just not trying. He can do the work, but he`s just not trying."
"He IS trying. He is having a very hard time. Thank you for doing all you can to help him," I would say.
"We must pray that he gets through this," she would say.
"He is trying very hard. He`s very upset. He misses his home. Thank you for doing all you can," I would say.
My conversation with her yesterday, however, included some new phrases.
"He`s just not trying. He can do the work, but he`s just not trying. If you let him get away with this behavior, he will be even worse in a few years when he`s a teenager."
"He IS trying very hard. He`s very upset. He misses his home. Thank you for doing all you can, but it`s clearly not working. You need to try something else -- what you`re doing to him is making him worse."
"We must pray that he gets through this."
"Yes -- just four more months!" I said, thinking, and we`re counting down.
"Oh, yes! Just four more months! Not long at all!" said Huggy Nun, no doubt thinking, and I`m counting down, too.
She looked as if she were about to hug me, but I had Big Son`s books in one hand and my bag in the other, and I stuck my elbows out and made myself as pointy and un-huggable as I could.
So she patted me instead. She`s not tall enough to reach my head, so she patted my collarbone. And all the while, I was thinking about the words I had just said to her -- It`s clearly not working. You need to try something else.
Maybe I need to follow my own words. Maybe my polite restraint that usually works so well is the wrong approach with Huggy Nun.
Maybe it`s time to be a Mama Bear, and growl, "Leave my cub alone."
posted by L. at 6:11 PM
11 Comments:
You have done such a wonderful job with your son and dealing with huggy-nun but I think you might be right: IT is time for mother bear to growl. It might be only four month but it will seem like a VERY long four months, and the last thing you want is for your son to completly give up or even fail the grade.
good luck to you and big-son
We almost lost Elcie in the 3rd grade with much the same thing. She began to shut down. We pulled her through somehow. If I had it to do over, I might have insisted on the other 3rd grade class when it became obvious we had a problem. I just kept thinking it would get better. It did but not until the 4th grade.
It's hard and I don't have any solutions; just good wishes.
That four months has the potential to last forever. If the principal thinks that Big Son can do the work, he just needs help with the vocabulary, why hasn't he offered to help before? Right now, the school year is more than half over, that's a lot of time to miss out on a subject. I think it's definitely time to be a growling Mama Bear, especially when dealing with Huggy Nun... maybe you can suggest some things that you think will work in her class. Here's hoping everything works out!
With your love and understanding, he'll get through it, and hopefully learn a few things about dealing with undealable people, and maybe a few things about himself too.
My suggestion about homeschooling truly was only one that was meant to be a stop gap measure if you felt there was no other choice till the end of this year. It sounds like there is choice though.
Sounds like you have some very positive alternatives to hook up with right in the school. I might ask the principal to set up a tutoring timetable for Big Son as soon as possible.
I love homeschooling my kids. I didn't at first and it was terrifying, particularly math but now it is really great and has been for years.
That doesn't mean it is the right choice for everyone. Sometimes it isn't even the right choice for more than a short while and sometimes it just isn't right period.
You are doing a good job Mama Bear.
If you bite, make sure it leaves a scar!
going to continue the homeschool thing here just a little... (actually turns out to be a lot, sorry!)
our second year here all kids were in school, and it wasn't going so well for all.. and I wanted to give homeschooling a try, and Peter said no. I am really fairly lazy, so for me to even want to do this was something, but like you, without the hub, it was just a no-go.
kids were off for Christmas, and it was so good, and then back they went, and I was thinking, why can't it be like this?
just a few weeks into the new term, Peter changed his mind, and soon it was all over. we were counting days, waiting for a new way of doing things. and over the last 8 years, it has been pretty good...
Spencer's is really struggling now with teen angst, and on the days when he is really blah, I do think, what would this be like if he were in school...
and then I think, well, I wouldn't know exactly how bad/sad/mad he was, because he wouldn't be here. and I couldn't control homework, etc. not that a lessening of school is necessary, because you are exactly correct... bad bosses, etc, are out there, and our kids need to know how to cope....
but... when our kids are hurting, you do feel like you'd do anything to make that hurting go away...
anyways, maybe Hub's attitude about homeschool will stay as is, and some other outlet will be revealed. with Ted gone last year and now Spencer having his turn at being troubled, what I have learned it that this is, on occasion, a waiting game... waiting out the turbulence, and holding on. having three kids in four years was our choice, we could have spaced them more. so, that only one is really a grumpy sheep is probably fairly good odds. you are all in my prayers, because that is one thing available. but also you are in my thoughts too, and if I come up with anything viable or such, that I will pass along as well. all suggestions are helpful, if only to give our brains something else to chew on, and not just the tough old hides of certain nuns... :))))
sorry this is so long!
Keep growling Mama bear
Agree with Gawdessness--take principal up on his offer to tutor and set up a timetable (disagree with principal that he tutor Big Son when he has problems with HN. If I were Big Son I would pick up on that option very quickly.)
Is there an ESL resource person in the school? Your son sounds like he may have 'academic' ESL. Sorry, I know there are fancy terms that would make me sound all knowledgable but I can't remember them. Anyway, ESL kids go through several stages (indeed, I was taught that kids who were born in Canada but who's mother tongue isn't English but who's play language is, are officially ESL when they start kindergarten--mainly in reading). Your son sounds like he expresses himself perfectly in English, but that he has difficulties in class where 'academic' concepts are taught--ie in social studies. So his comprehension of terminology and written expression are still ESL. Since HN (and SSN?) are not willing/or able to deliver the curriculum in a manner that is understood by your son, he should have access to a resource person.
As for conduct and effort in class--well, it takes 2 to tango and if HN is not trying out other strategies with your son, in cooperation with you, it makes it hard for you to encourage him to behave in class and respect his teacher. That's a tough one as you're up against the "I'll pray for him" business. When God is on your side you don't have to change the way you deal with a young person, I guess. Your way is God's way, end of discussion.
When a child no longer wants to go to school, then the teacher has completely failed.
Let me say that again -- when a teacher creates (or allows) a situation that causes a child to not want to go to school, that teacher has failed.
Go to the principal and tell him that Big Son no longer wants to go to school. (I would add that it's because of the abuse he has suffered from Huggy Nun, but I'm argumentative and combative and definitely not your smooth talker.) That's a very important point -- that he no longer wants to go to school.
At least, it is in the public schools; I can't speak for catholic schools.
Is there any way to pull him out of huggy nun's class and homeschool him on social studies? I would think your background would prepare you well for that task. Perhaps he could hang in the library during that class and study independently? Personally, I would say that getting him out of her clutches is the number one priority.
Hi L! I have been reading your posts about Big Son and Huggy Nun. I had to find time to say something. It is a red flag when a child doesn't want to go to school or thinks that nobody likes him. I know that you are aware of this. I find it interesting that the principal hasn't mentioned to you that he will talk to Huggy Nun about this or call a meeting with you and Huggy Nun to discuss this issue. That should have already been done by now. When Huggy Nun says, "I'll pray for him" I find this to be a sorry excuse for trying to avoid the issue. She doesn't really seem to care about your son. She probably ignores him in class, too. Have you ever observed Huggy Nun's class in action? Is this allowed at this school? I really think that it might be a good idea to consider changing Big Son's school. I think that he needs a positive environment -- an environment that supports him not only as a student but as a student who is learning the English language. There are public schools in San Francisco that offer both Japanese and English. It's a lot easier at this time of year to transfer into a school. Just a thought. I really feel for you. I always thought that it was "children first." At least, that how it is in my first grade classroom. My classroom is filled with 20 wonderful students who come from many cultural backgrounds and speak many different languages. This makes the classroom unique and a great learning environment. I wish this type of classroom for Big Son. I hope that things become more positive for Big Son soon.
That should be Mrs., not Mr.s
I haven't read the other comments-- I'm just dashing in and commenting today-- but I think that you are right-- the rest of the school year must be gotten through, but on the other hand, it wouldn't hurt to maybe start growling more.
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